TW: childhood trauma

Throughout my (very brief) adolescence I was conditioned to believe I was a burden. My father would always tell me that I was “worthless” and “would never amount to anything”. Everything I did was pointless and everything I embodied was wrong. I was taught to cower in the face of anger. Become small so as to not incur the wrath of someone supposedly put on this earth to protect me. A person I was told I had to “respect” because it “didn’t matter” if I loved them or not.

Many many years of therapy later I no longer believe myself to be a burden, but that doesn’t change that fact that PTSD occasionally forces me back into that frightened, crushed little soul in the face of displeasure or hostility (even if it isn’t being directly pointed at me). It’s a true trauma response and I struggle to find footing when it takes hold. Become quiet and agreeable so they don’t turn on you. Take up so little space you vanish completely. Become nothing…because you have been conditioned to believe that’s what you are.

The psyche is a wild place full of perpetual pitfalls, triggers, and daily struggles. Compound that with the hormonal betrayal of womanhood and an upcoming date that reminds you home is an illusion that dissipates when certain people are gone, and you get a perfect storm of emotional bullshit that leaves you raw, reflective, and very very sad.