Bottomless Seas 

**I wrote this post after a vacation with one of my closest friends.  Honestly, I thought it had been deleted accidentally, so it was never posted.  Super excited to find it again.  Enjoy.**

I woke up this morning, still feeling the waves beneath me.  And though I know I remain on dry land, the rhythm of the sea still dwells deep within.  I’ve always been transfixed by the soft white caps that make up the ocean’s waves.  There’s something about it that speaks to the soul in a language that only exists in movement.  The ebb and flow a deep breath in and out of the waters great, proverbial lungs…its beauty immeasurable.

Standing on rocky shores, I embraced you.  I stared into your great expanse and came back changed.  I touched your edges and you touched my soul.  We danced together on sandy beaches beneath a bright and tropical sun.  It was a time I will not soon forget.

The wind was at our backs, propelling us ever forward, urging us onward toward adventure.  We tasted exotic foods, drank to our heart’s content, and experienced some of life’s great moments.  Every instance forever etched in our memories.

Within your waves, my heart dwells.  Inside my mind, your calm exists.  We are one, you and I.  Uncharted, with depths undiscovered.  I will carry you with me always.

Until we meet again. ❤

We Close Our Eyes

Imagine a woman. 

She struggles.  She fights.  She climbs from dark depths.  She breathes fire and moves mountains. When she sleeps the world blurs and fades away, because all life lives within her.  She is strength personified.  She is that which you are, and all that you are not.  She is a cleansing rain.  She is resilience.  She is woman.  She is you.  She is me.

I have lived a life of adversity.  I have wrestled with demons, and spoken with angels.  In my time on this earth, I have done my damndest to breathe life into my surroundings, support those whom I love, and shape myself into the person I am today.  I fail more than I succeed, but not trying is never an option.  

My ideology is this: Take joy in the little things.  Appreciate always.  Live to be grateful.  Share your truths.  Be better.  Help those less fortunate.  Participate.  Let go of negativity.  Be confident in yourself, and your abilities.  Laugh…loudly and often.  Intellectualize and theorize with abandon.  Take chances.  Be kind.  

I say these things with no judgement, no negative intent…I am no more evolved than you, merely self-actualized.  We are that which we choose to be.  Your only limitations being the breadth of your vast imagination.  So have your dreams, be your dreams, live your dreams.  

And never, ever let life pass you by.

❤️

Time Bomb

Last night was one of the worst I’ve ever experienced.  From beginning to end it was a nonstop parade of shit, and even now in the glaring light of day, I am unable to escape its events.

A man pretending to be my lyft driver tried to sexually assault me.  I will spare you the gory details, since reliving such atrocities is difficult for both me and my reader.  Just know that he’s nursing some wounds today…he picked the wrong woman to mess with.  I haven’t fought like that in some time, and today my body is reminding me of just that very fact.  I haven’t stopped shaking.  

On my way home, I was visibly shaken from the horrid turn my night had taken.  I was around twenty-five minutes from home, when a car pulled in front of me and slammed on its brakes.   I rear-ended said car.  I’ve had this happen once before, in the early 2000’s…it’s a way to commit insurance fraud.  I hit them, I’m at fault.  No way to fight it.  I’m just screwed.  Now, 12+ hours later my car won’t start, and I don’t know what to do.  

Lately my stress levels have been through the roof.  I’ve been coping as well as can be expected, but things just haven’t been going my way.  I don’t feel equipped to process any of this.  Part of me wants to retreat into silence and nurse my wounds, part of me wants to fight through the pain (mental, physical, emotional), and part of me wants to simply give up and break down.

Not entirely sure of what I should do.  I feel really lost, and unbelievably alone.  

Happy Mother’s Day to me.

Sweet For Sorrow

I’m exhausted.

As of late I’ve been unable to rest or relax.  My shoulders are tight, and my back is a jumble of knots getting more gnarled by the day.  My head aches, and my body quickly follows suit.  Depression and anxiety are my constant companions, and the worst part about that is: life is good.  

I have no complaints about my existence currently.  My home has become a refuge that speaks to me, and it gives me comfort.  Work is fulfilling, and the people I work with…inspiring.  Planning a trip home to California to visit family and friends has allowed me to feel excitement and anticipation.  There’s no reason whatsoever for this immense onslaught of debilitating yuckiness.  

So why do I feel this way?

Unfortunately for those who suffer from chemical imbalance, there doesn’t have to be a reason.  The constant misfire and synapse reuptake issues in the brain make for the most annoying grab bag of mental misfortune.  All of this manifests itself both physically and mentally.  My heartache can turn into body ache in the blink of an eye, and the after effects are painfully long term.  

This is why I’m so tired.  This is why I’m unable to sleep and feel rested.  This is why I wake up feeling miserable.  This is why I don’t want to talk.  This is my proverbial fetal position.  

Cognitively I know that life is good.  Rationally I can look out my window and know that what I’m seeing is beautiful.  I am self-aware enough to know when I’m in the midst of a depressive episode, and cognizant enough to know that this too shall pass.  I simply have to wait it out.  Keep struggling for that silver lining I know is just beyond the horizon.  

I am stronger than mental illness.

❤️

I’m Shipping Up To Boston (Blood & Whiskey)

May those who love us, love us;

And for those who don’t love us,

May God turn their hearts;

And if He doesn’t turn their hearts,

May He turn their ankles, 

So we will know them by their limping!

-Irish Blessing

Love is a funny thing.  Love takes you places you never thought you’d go; and down rabbit holes you’d never dare venture into otherwise.  Love is the blindfold that we wear in front of the firing squad.  Love is the pillow we smother ourselves with.  Love is a burden I’d rather not bear.  

Humans are such squishy, sentimental creatures, baring their souls to the masses daily (I, myself included).  Taking a hard look inward, I’ve noticed that I’m a disgustingly emotional hooman bean.  I cry at movies.  I keep mementos of times long since gone.  I occasionally write blogs about romance, and retreat deep into my psyche when love songs are heard.  I’m a sad grown-up version of my 15 year old self…and I abhor it.

I thought things would be different in my 30’s.  I figured by now I’d be married, or in a committed relationship with someone who gets me, and living the life I’m “supposed to”.  But honestly, I want nothing to do with that anymore.  Not saying that I never will again, but for now the thought is simply unappealing.  When you’ve got a face in your mind, and you’re unable to conjure said person, it makes dreaming again far more difficult.  A heart can only take so much.

Having a romantic soul is the epitome of masochism.  You dream, you hope, you lose, and then you wake up one day and do it all over again.  We’re such ridiculous creatures, unable to let go of the things that hurt us most.  Unwilling to change that which is intristic to our being.  We just don’t know how to let go…nor do we want to.  It’s a catch-22 of bullshit and never-ending disappointment.  

So, on this St Patrick’s Day weekend, I wish you luck, because love is nothing but a pain in the ass.  🍀

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Step back.

Take a deep breath.

Remember that you are a capable, smart, and competent individual that carries value.  You are not a superfluous cog left over in the IKEA box that is life.  You are not a third wheel, and life is not actively shitting on you, your goals, or your dreams.  You are someone.  You matter.

Feeling under-appreciated and lacking in purpose is a real issue for me.  I look forward to the day when I’m able to feel fulfilled, and necessary in my everyday dealings.  I want people to look at me and know the value I possess.  I don’t want “But what about Amy?” to be a lifelong issue.  Like the last person perpetually picked for kickball.  I’m worth more than that.

Occasionally I make big life decisions: have a baby, get married, get divorced, get married again, get divorced again, move to FL, move to CA, move back to FL, get married a third time, move to NJ, get divorced x3…are any of these ever going to be the right decision?  At any point in my life will I be able to confidently say “This was right.”?  Will the pieces ever fall into place?  Can the square pegs of my life be jammed into the round holes I’m presented with?  Seriously universe, what gives?

In the midst of all of these issues, I can feel myself emotionally drowning.  I’m in a depressive state, and it’s hard to see the big picture when you’re inundated with minutiae. So knowing where I am is the first step…

But where do I belong?

You’re So Vain (Raise Hell)

Let’s be confident.

Let’s be arrogant.

Let’s talk about me.  

Now that so many of the major hurdles in my life are behind me, I can really focus on what matters most: MOVING FORWARD.  With that being said, I’m excited to announce that I’m happily doing me these days.  I’m worth investing in.  All along I’ve spoken about working on myself and am unabashedly pleased to do so.  I’m a fucking rockstar and will treat myself as such.  So much of my life was spent never thinking about myself or my needs, and that stops now.  Often we lose ourselves in the day to day minutia, and after the dumpster fire that was 2016, I’m never ever giving myself less than 💯 again.  Boom.

So in honor of me, I’m going to tout my good qualities in this post.  I am:

A good person

A good friend 

A good mother

A good partner (when applicable)

Charming

Funny

Smart

Patient

Understanding

Kind

Generous 

Knowledgeable

Fun AF

Principled

A wealth of useless factoids

Worthwhile 

Real

A Warrior

Honest

Motivated

Strong

Talented

Badass

More than anything I can’t stand people who drag others down with that “don’t be arrogant” BS.  Confidence is sexy, and people who acknowledge their abilities and gifts are 100% awesome in my book.  I wish more humans would do just that…be confident.  Stop second guessing yourself.  Stop saying you aren’t good enough.  Stop with the negativity already and embrace your inner superhero.  

I believe you.  I believe in me.  Together we’re unstoppable.

One Year of Love

Happy Anniversary to the Ditched Bitch Blog Experience!

One year…

It’s only been a year…

To me it feels like a thousand lifetimes have passed since I started blogging.  I  have been renewed.  I am happily reborn.  Not changed, per se, but invigorated and enhanced…I am gaining momentum toward becoming the best version of myself, and I’m not sure I could’ve undertaken such a complex journey without you: my friends, my family, and readers like you…you who unknowingly held my hand when I needed it most.  You have been my constant companions, and for that I thank you.

Here’s to many more!  Cheers!

blog

New America

My son woke me up early this morning to help him with his ROTC uniform.  Newly hemmed pants, starched, creased, and pressed.  Looking so sharp for a kid who hates to comb his hair and doesn’t care if his tshirt is wrinkled.  So much hope and promise in the eyes of our youth…our future.  

Then I remembered what day it was…

I watched my boy head off to school, knowing he was going to be home later than usual, due to his community service.  I’m always so proud of him, even though he drives me crazy (as teens are wont to do).  Yesterday’s “Day of Action” rallies in both Newark and Perth Amboy were rousing successes, and I was so excited for my (not so) little man to be a part of it.  He looked so serious holding his “Defend the D.R.E.A.M.” sign, while various and sundry community members voiced their support of “sanctuary schools”, and safe havens for all students, regardless of race, religion, sexuality, or creed.  

With the incoming governmental travesty occurring on this day, January 20th, 2017, I cannot help but be anxious…I cannot help but worry…I cannot feel safe in a country that values the rights of corporations and guns, over the rights of the people therein.  To see so many people oppressed, profiled, mocked and ridiculed for their beliefs…for the color of their skin.  What our president-elect does not understand is that which makes us different, makes us strong.  Diversity is power, and people are key.  We are stronger together.  

I will stand with you, brothers and sisters.  An injustice to one is an injustice to all, and I will happily fight at your side.  I will take your hand, and together we will weather not only this storm, and any storms that loom ominously on the horizon.  I will not stand idly by while people are harmed in the name of “new government”.  I will not be silent while injustice occurs.  I will never be still.  I will never allow hatred, racism, misogyny, or any other misdeed to become commonplace in my presence.  So long as I have breath in my body, I will lift you up.  We are one, and we aren’t going anywhere.

Unite.  

Fight.

Viva la Revolución!

Like a Shotgun

On a day not so long ago, something occurred that changed everything.  I’ve written a lot about events that have lead up to said change, so I need not rehash the past, only cast a little light on the future.

Feelings are strong, though hesitant.  Being nervous is part of moving outside of one’s comfort zone, (I understand the need to have both feet on the ground, considering).  I have begun again with a more realistic ideology, a renewed hope, and a more conventional approach…thus far it’s worked for me.

I have little to no idea what the future holds, but I trust in the universe to give me what I need, as well as what I deserve.  I’ve waded  through more than my fair share of garbage in the last year, and I’m happily building toward that cosmic reward.  I know what I want…I always have.  But I’m happy to patiently wait until it (hopefully) manifests itself in its own time.

Then one day, this song will play and the meaning will be clear…

Welcome back.