Thank you.

Thank you for being there.  I know you didn’t have to be.  When I needed you, there you were…no questions asked.  That speaks to your character as well as your heart, and I will forever be grateful to you.  

I’m sorry I did nothing but vent and cry.  I’m sorry that you could only apologize.  I’m sorry that I’ve come to need you.  I’m sorry that you bring me the comfort I need.  I’m sorry I won’t be able to ever truly let you go.  I’m just so sorry.  

You are a good man.  The best kind of man, in my opinion.  You give strength to those around you.  Your charm and your sense of humor are unparalleled.  Your quick wit and vast array of knowledge is interesting and endearing to someone like me.  You are wonderful.  You are perfect for me.  

Yet you are broken, and in desperate need of repair (per your own admission).  I wish you luck on your journey.  I know it is one you must travel alone.  I will stand on the shore, and wait for the day that your ship comes back in.  I will watch for its sails and I will see the breaches repaired, even from a distance.  I just hope that too much time hasn’t passed, and you’ve forgotten me.  Nevertheless I will await your triumphant return, heart in hand.  

I want you to be happy, and I wish you well.

I’m sorry about all of this.  

But I’m not sorry about us.  I’ll never be sorry that for one brief, shining moment you were mine.  I will never stop hoping that there could be an us again.  Never.  You are forever in my heart.  Forever and always.  I love you.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.  

All I want to do is talk to you about it, but I know I can’t.  I feel so close to a panic attack I almost can’t take it, and my only recourse is to write and write and write some more.  

I’ve felt sick since we hung up.  The idea of living my life without you breaks my heart absolutely, and I don’t know how to healthily process any of this…mostly because I don’t fucking understand.  

You said you loved me and I know you meant it.  You said things to me that I cannot unhear.  Beautiful promises and words unlike any I’ve ever heard from another.  I felt things that no person can feel on their own…it takes two.  We connected so deeply it was almost painful to not communicate…heartbreaking to have to go to sleep.  

I don’t understand.

I know there are things you have to work out, and maybe you’re not in a position to get involved right now.  But I feel like you’ve denied all of the truth in our words, the honesty in our feelings for one another.  Chock it up to a broken man, and call it a day.  Leave a girl that has done nothing but be faithful, and understanding, and in love with you in your wake.

This is all so unfair.

I don’t even get a say in the decision to terminate this relationship.  I can’t be in charge.  I’m not allowed to have what I want most.  What you at one time wanted also.  I just have to sit here, in immense pain, and take it. I have no choice.  I love you.  To my very core I love you.  But I have no control.  

I feel like my heart is no longer my own.  I don’t even want it back.  I just want you to hold onto it, in the hopes that one day you’ll be ready.  I would wait a lifetime.  Maybe I’ll have to, maybe I won’t.  I don’t know what the future holds.  Now that you’re free of me you probably won’t even read this.  You’re no longer tethered to me by heartstrings.  I can’t make you see me.  I can’t make you love me.

I just want to die.

One Life to Live, One Love to Give

My spaceman returned to earth today…for one brief moment.  Unfortunately it was just to touch down and say his goodbyes.  

He was never sure of his feelings.  He desperately wanted everything to be true, but perhaps in his heart, it was not.  We had an obvious connection, and he latched onto it and made it something more than it was.  He cares about me…and he missed me…but he just isn’t in a place to be with anyone right now.

My heart is broken.  I cried when we were texting, I cried while talking to him…and I will continue crying until there’s nothing left.  I have nothing left to give but tears.  He already has my heart, no matter how many pieces it’s broken into.  It will remain his even when put back together.  I want no other.

As everyone knows, my son is my rock, and he hates it when I cry.  He held me and said into my ear “text him at least once a week…and keep him in your heart…I know that you love him…never let him go…you keep him and hope in your heart…it’s all we have…and maybe someday he’ll come back to you…”.  Needless to say I sobbed and realized he was right.  Without hope I am nothing.  Without love, even less.

When you have met the other half of yourself, it’s impossible to let them go.  It truly would be the grandest of all mistakes go give up and let go…the love would still be there.  The feelings and the desire would still exist.  Love is forever.  

So today I stand before you a broken woman.  I am a woman missing her other half.  I am only a fraction of what I could be, and will continue to be so for as long as it takes to reconnect.  I will wait.  He has said that it’s unfair to ask me to wait, but wait I shall.  I will be faithful in all things, because in my heart I know that this is true and right.  Some things really are meant to be.  

He might not be sure today, or tomorrow, or six months from now.  But I’m ready, and with a clear mind I pledge to be happy on my own until such time as I perhaps get another chance.  Because once you’ve had it all, nothing else will do.

❤️

Gifty McGiftington 🎁

Been thinking a lot about gift giving lately.  I like to jokingly refer to myself as the “gift whisperer”, as I’ll comb all four corners of the globe searching for the perfect gift for the people I love.  

There’s a certain criterion that goes into making the decision to purchase the perfect gift: 

1. It must reflect the person it is intended for

2. It must be sentimental and/or useful

3. It must be personal and from the heart…always.

For me it’s easy.  I see people in things…the humanity in the inanimate.  It’s a quirky gift, to be sure, but it’s mine and I own it.  I love to make people feel good.  If I see something, and it looks like you should own it, then purchase it I must.  

I don’t really receive many gifts myself.  Birthdays are rarely celebrated and Christmas for me is more about the season than it is about December 25th.  Plus I’m never really sure that anyone truly gets me.  I’m a human oddity, I’m well aware of that.  I don’t feel bad about it…it just is what it is.  

So when you gift, dear reader, gift from the heart.  Take the time to let someone know how special they are to you.  Make it personal, make it them.  Take everything a step farther, go bigger, go better, and if you have to…pull the grand gesture card and maybe wind up with your own happy ending.  💕

***

The Last Gift:

One time, a boy played and sang a song just for me.  He recorded it and sent it via text.  It meant everything, and was one of the sweetest and most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever received.  He caught me right in the heart.  These types of things are always the most touching.  It also helps to know that someone really understands you…the real you.  That could be the greatest gift of all. 

Here Comes the Sun ⛅️

Life, she’s a-changin’…

Movin’ on up:

Today I applied for an apartment.  Anyone who knows me personally knows what a struggle this has been.  I’ve been so afraid that time was going to run out and I was going to be left out in the proverbial cold come October.  But it looks like after hedging many a bet, I have finally found a place to call home.  

Now on to the logistics…September 1st I begin packing…lined up a good number of boxes from a person at work…gotta get some serious packing tape and a “can-do” attitude and we’ll be good to go…oh, and a number of strong menfolk to carry all of my goods and sundry.  Logistics are not my strong suit, but I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone to adult all over this bitch.  

Birthday Boy:

Tomorrow is my son’s birthday.  I can’t believe he’s going to be 16…honestly it trips me out just thinking about it.  He’s growing up before my eyes.  Soon he’ll finish high school and go on to bigger and better things.  It’s an amazing process, and one I’m not sure I’m ready to accept.  Life happens to the best of us when we’re not paying any attention.  

Happy Birthday, bug.  I love your face.  ❤️

Spaceman:

It’s been 10 days since we last spoke…and twelve days since this journey began.  I think about him constantly.  Every time something happens, good or bad, he’s the first person I want to share it with.  I’ve never felt this way about/with another person…so connected…so full of intensity.  Makes the separation all the more difficult.  

I’m still here, and I’ll be here when he’s ready.  

Life:

Deep breaths.  Planning.  Ally McBeal.  Beers.  Battery at 100%.  Quiet.  Daydreaming.  Love.  

Like a Rock

If the universe thinks it can get me down, it’s absolutely right…but if the universe thinks it can KEEP me down, it’s dead wrong.  

One thing after another, the hits keep coming.  Little respite in this hellacious year…but I’m ok, and I’m going to continue to be ok. 

There’s a strength in me that I need to acknowledge.  I need this occasion to remind myself that I can handle anything.  My life and times have not always been good or easy, but I have persevered regardless…and I will continue to do so.  

Though my smile might not reach my eyes today, I will smile nonetheless.  I will live my life as though nothing can stop me.  I will stay the course and remain true…to myself and to others.  I will wear my tenacity and strength as a badge of honor and I will hold fast to that which elevates me.  

I will live my truth and believe in myself.

It’s Still Tomorrow

Today was a bit of a rough one.  But I remain faithful and committed to the idea that I deserve love…whatever the cost.  I know that he’ll come to his own conclusions and I’m just crossing my fingers in the hopes that they coincide with mine.  Any practical man knows that some things are just too good to give up.  

I always talk to him.  Whether he knows it or not, I’m always talking to him.  Through pictures, songs, and most definitely through the words I seem to be recording daily.  If he doesn’t know how much he means to me by now, then there’s no hope that he ever will.  I’m not normally so sure-footed in the face of such emotion, but this time I know it’s right.   Looking inward and really examining my feelings has done me such good. I feel cleansed, renewed, and stalwart in my current convictions. I have found my answers, and they give me (at least) a modicum of peace.  

Every single day I wonder how he is, and if he’s thinking of me too.  I wonder if he tosses and turns at night, the way I have.  If he’s cried…looked over the pictures…listened to recordings…felt things he never thought possible for a girl so far away.  

Even in this radio silence he still makes me smile.  I listen to recordings and I giggle, or sigh, or blush.  I see things that remind me of him, and I am transported back again…to that perfect time.  

I have strength.

I have faith.

I dare to hope.

❤️🐠

Jaded and Underrated 

I love Ally McBeal.  It’s always been a favorite of mine.  I’ve been binge watching it for the last week…every chance I get to commune with Ally I do so.  One such episode recently took a good hard look a how people become jaded as they age and lose the ability to just let go.  I found this particularly interesting as someone I know has been struggling with believing in what’s going on right in front of them…when the facts are clearly there.  Are we, as an age group, predisposed to disbelieve anything that strikes us as odd?  As out of the norm?  

When did we stop believing in fairytales?  The prince rescues the princess and they instantaneously fall madly in love and live happily ever after…when did we start questioning the validity of love?  At what moment did second-guessing become the new norm?  The “this is too crazy, maybe it’s not real…” mentality?  When did we stop allowing ourselves to just fall?

Luckily, I’m able to answer that question.

1) We risk getting hurt.  Those of us who love with their whole heart run the highest risk of falling flat on our charming and ingratiating little faces.  But who wants on their tombstone “Well, they half-assed did some stuff.”?  Not I, dear readers…not I.

2) Society tells us that there’s a generally excepted method to falling in love.  You date, and down the road somewhere you fall in societally acceptable love in a time frame people are socially comfortable with.  No deviation.  

So it all comes down to this:

Don’t go around kissing everyone like Ally does (or do, I’m not here to judge)…but don’t let beauty escape you.  Don’t let wonder pass you by.  Stay open to possibilities and realize that everything happens in its own time, regardless of what others deem “acceptable”.  Sometimes things just happen…and these things can be just as viable as those that happened with time, or under other circumstances.

“Fairytales are true…it could happen to you.”

The Girl Who Waited or The Talespin of Spinning Tales

Once upon a time there lived a girl.  A girl out of time, out of her element, and (on occasion) just a little out of sorts.  The girl awoke daily, worked hard, took care of herself and others, and did her best to smile genuinely and be happy.  The girl had to work hard for her positivity and she was grateful every day for the gifts received.  

Throughout the girl’s life there had been a bevy of pitfalls that befell her.  The girl managed to keep smiling, laughing, and being the positive force that people knew and loved. There was a strength, and a tenacity in the girl that could not be denied.  She worked hard to bring joy to those around her.  She was love’s faithful light in a dark world.  

But the girl was missing something.  Something she wasn’t quite able to put her finger on.  Something without tangibility.  

Until one day, she met a boy.  This boy was charm personified.  He made terrible jokes, and good jokes and great jokes…and the girl began to laugh.  Her smile took on an other-worldly quality, and her eyes became bright.  She was transported to another plane by this boy.  He took her places emotionally that she had never been before.  

And the girl fell hard for the boy…and the boy fell back.  The two lived in existential bliss for a time…laughing and talking and being simply   happy existing in a world together.  

The boy and the girl were due to finally meet.  This was something they had both been dreaming of for the longest of times.  It was a momentous occasion and both were so excited to prepare accordingly.  The girl bought a dress, and the boy bought a ticket.  So much hope and promise lay within said trip’s itinerary.  

But the trip did not happen as planned.  The two had to deal with the immense disappointment of not being able to finally have the thing they wanted most…one another.  The girl was so desperately sad and the boy even more so, as he felt responsible for the change in plans.  They were bereft and could think of little else.  This brought up other emotions in the boy, and he grew withdrawn.  Not gone, but distant.  Then one day he left the girl altogether, and went on a journey of self discovery.  The girl loved the boy so much, that she said goodbye…knowing that he might not return in the same condition as when he left.  

And so she waited.  He contacted her once in this time to check on her and make sure she was doing alright, considering the circumstances, and she clung to that contact like a beacon in the night.  

In the girl’s heart she knew that if the meeting had occurred, things would have happened very differently.  But she also knew she must acknowledge that these same issues would’ve come up at some point for the boy (he tended to be less fanciful than the girl and more logical in his response to the unknown) and so time perhaps was needed for him to realize his truths.  

And still she waits for the boy.  Loving him from afar.  Hoping against hope that he’ll return to her more sure of his feelings and of his next steps.  The girl dreams of happily ever after.  She dreams of him.  He is her happily ever after.  

To be continued…

❤️🐠

Oh Oh, It’s Magic…

They love each other…it’s not just enough…it’s everything.  -Ally McBeal

There is so much strength and beauty in love.  Two people coming together and finding not just common ground and a shared adoration, but discovering the fireworks and butterflies and all that entails…this is beyond magical in my mind.  Magic is by all rights unbelievable, but every magician begs for suspension of disbelief.  Magicians know that to receive this  phenomenal gift is worth the faith it takes to truly and wholeheartedly believe in things the rational mind can’t comprehend.  You wind up taking with you the belief that magic is real and you laugh and smile, not entirely understanding what’s happening before your eyes, but enjoying and benefitting from every damn minute.  And from then on you look at the world a little differently.  

Love is magic.  Magic you carry with you always.  You’re not necessarily sure how it got there or the precise moment it occurred…but none of that matters.  You can analyze it and rationalize it until the cows come home and you will never make any sense of what has happened to you.  Sometimes you simply have to believe.  

❤️