Relationship PTSD is a very real thing.

Trust me, I know.

It’s been 5 years, 5 months, and 8 days since Tom left. I wasn’t ever really in love with him, but he was comfortable, safe, and valued family. After my previous marriage I needed something stable. I thought we were happy. I always think we’re happy, because the people that I (accidentally) choose are non-communicative narcissists with bipolar disorder. Apparently my id can smell them coming a mile away and alerts my body to be instantly attracted to them. Red flag city, I call it.

But narcissists start relationships with a verve and a romance that is unparalleled. They suck you in only to bleed you dry and move on to the next person while you’re still together. No I’m not a PHD, but I’ve done a lot of research, (been through a lot of therapy), and I can promise you I’ve lived it.

You never see it coming because they lie so easily. Everything becomes your fault. Yet the sunk cost bias remains. You put so much work, money, time, love into something and you want to see it succeed. You remember when it was good and you grab on to that piece of joy and you ride it into the sunset. I had a million pictures of what looked like two very happy people. What I had in reality was something entirely different.

My partner was caught rather early talking to some sad, older IG mom, who inflated his ego and made him feel “special”, aka honeymoon-style-beginning-of-the-relationship-not-even-close-to-reality nonsense. When I finally confronted him about it he lied and lied and lied, (saying: she’s clearly reading things into it, that’s not what’s happening etc etc etc), promised to end it/be faithful/be fully in our relationship…or kick rocks. I gave him the chance to do the right thing either way, and (stupid me) I believed him.

My body always knew. I became uncomfortable with him physically, and the sex dwindled. Then came Covid, losing my job, losing my best friend, et al. Stress isn’t great on relationships or on libido, but I tried my best. Most people understand that sexual libidos ebb and flow and with that comes the need for understanding, love, and compassion. My partner had none of these. So when I finally came around sexually, but didn’t know how to properly broach the subject, it came out all awkward and he turned me down every time. You have to build back trust, you have to take each day as it comes until all is built back up and ready to get back on those sexy tracks. But he only saw his needs and refused to see mine.

I loved him dearly, even through all the bullshit I loved him. He was funny, cute, smart, and he loved adventures. All things I was into. For the first year he was an excellent partner, I really thought I’d found the one, and I threw my love in like gang busters. I love hard and I give 110% even when I’m unhappy; I mirror my mother in that way. After about a year (maybe a year and a half), he changed. So drastically in fact, that I didn’t know who he was from one day to the next. But I was all in and I knew we could work through anything that came up.

HAHA JK NO WE COULDN’T because he never communicated with me. Throughout the entirety of our (almost) 4 year relationship he built up an emotional cavalcade of anger and resentment toward me, and I had no idea except that he’d act out and start fights about nothing. All I ever wanted was honesty, love, and respect. All I got was more time talking about him in therapy.

So here we are, I found out yesterday morning that he had switched his phone to her plan (hello, dependent much? get yer own, bruh). That was his way of telling me it was over (or not telling me and never allowing for a face to face adult convo because he’s a coward and he knows he’s in the wrong). Then everything he said to me had a hard edge, cruel even, insulting. I spoke with some folks about it, trying to find my place in this up-ended new world I’d found myself in, and they confirmed what I had known all along: this person was toxic, they’d always been toxic. I was told there was no shortage of “internet girls” throughout every single relationship my ex-partner had ever had. He even met his (now ex) wife while dating another woman and thought the story was cute enough put it on their wedding invite. Then I realized I too had a hard pill to swallow: I WAS ONE OF THOSE INTERNET GIRLS

When my partner first messaged me on IG he told me I was the “cutest girl in the world” and we began chatting online. Some time later it was divulged to me that he had a girlfriend that he was “actively trying to break up with” (mind you, this was mirrored in what the newest internet person had said. They told me he had said we were long broken up and living as “roommates”). Yes, I’m the asshole that thought I was the only one he’d done this with and I will admit to having blinders (tried to autocorrect to “blunders” which is, also true lol) on while living in Red Flag City.

There are countless others with even more stories of lies and betrayal. But as for me, I’m happy to close this particular chapter. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hurt, I’m sad as hell, I’m even in shock, (with that PTSD running through my body like evil little electric shocks, ready to re-traumatize me at any moment), but I’m also free. Free of wondering, free of the bullshit, free of an albatross around my neck that I didn’t have the courage to cut down.

Not sure I’ll ever be ready to give my heart to another person. But that musing is for another time. For now I will work to heal the wounds that have been so cruelly inflicted upon me. I will be present. I will be kind to myself. I will move forward into an uncertain future certain of myself and what I bring to it. I will be better than I have ever been.

And I’ll do it alone.

Because I’m a badass, that’s why.