Runaway Train

Death has enveloped 2016 like a burial shroud.  Famous people, close friends, the guy next door, and now a young girl…my son’s friend.  He tells me it was suicide…her mother told him.  I’ve seen more than my fair share of tears this year, and now I’m seeing those same tears reflected in the eyes of my baby boy.

Knowing how to handle such things is not in my wheelhouse.  All I see is that my son is hurting that there’s nothing I can do to stem the tide of pain that’s engulfing him.  His head hangs, and his body is tired.  We’ve both had a rough year.  

We held hands on the car ride home from school.  His fingers were clammy, tears were formed and then fell.  We didn’t talk much…we didn’t have to.  The hurt was palpable.  

I wanted to write a blog today about the future and all of its promise…but all I’m able to think about is that there’s a child out there who no longer has the option of a future.  Something in her mind was so bad, that she could see no other option, no path to redemption.  No light at the end of the tunnel.  This makes my soul ache, and my heart cry out in pain.  No child should feel like death is the only escape.  

It can’t rain forever.

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Party At Ground Zero

Yesterday was my birthday.  

So many kind people wished me well, and I’ve officially got myself a big case of the warm fuzzies (even if you forgot…yes you…I see you over there).  Normally I dread my birthday, and all that it entails, but this time I made it through with a smile on my face.  I don’t remember ever being single on my birthday, so this was all very new to me…but hanging out with my son during the day, and with Mercedes, Casey, and Trish in the evening, (drinking faaaaaaar too much and eating tacos) eased that sting considerably.  I’m calling it a win.  

It’s 1:30PM and I’m still in bed.  I don’t get hungover, but drinking makes me exceedingly tired, and I’m enjoying having the day off.  I’ve got a few of those (days off) coming up in the next week, though I will be doing nothing but packing until the apartment is ready to go.  Soooooo many things up in the air at the moment, and I’m working incredibly hard to control what I can.  It keeps me sane.  

I am loving the idea of possibilities these days.  Potential this, and possible that.  Nothing but doors opening everywhere…we just have to step through them.  It’s all very Alice In Wonderland around here.  Down the rabbit hole and on to new adventures.  I’m not sure I’ve ever been more ready.  What an exciting time.  I finally know what I want, and I will have it all…I refuse to take no for an answer anymore.  ❤️

I might be conspicuously absent for the next week, but you better believe I’ll be back and updating like a madwoman as the moving process begins.  Gotta process all that change somehow!  lol

Smile.  Be well.  Be you.  Be back soon.  

Glimmer of Hope

There is strength in understanding.

There is strength in love.

There is strength in hard work.

There is strength in living.

Each day that goes by I find that I’m becoming more myself.  Happier, stronger, and more alive than ever before.  I feel the weight lifted from tired shoulders, and my essence returning to me as the moments pass.  I am proud of my journey, and I will never again underestimate the heart that I possess.  I am reborn within my own skin…the same, yet changed.

Growth potential is everywhere, and if I’m being honest, I’m sensing it every single day.  I am as far from perfect as a human being can get, but my acknowledgement and willingness to work sets me apart from the rest.  I know my limitations, and I struggle every day with becoming better.  I’m learning how to dream again…amidst life’s disappointments, problems, and otherwise troubling nature…I’m making it happen.

I am tenacity.

I am pride.

I am optimism.

I am strength.

And I will be love.  ❤️

Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes

Someone stole my debit card number.  I’m not even mad about it.  At this point I’m pretty sure a bus could hit me, and as I was rushed to the hospital all I’d be thinking was “geez, I hope I have some time today for packing…what a silly little inconvenience”.  Nothing is quite as daunting as it would’ve been pre-2016.  Problem?  I can take it.  Bring it on.

Making some arrangements for the weekend of the 24th…I’ll be heading up to Philadelphia for a training.  Lots of things in the works that I’ll be super jazzed to share with everyone once they solidify.  Some really exciting things getting thrown into the mix these days.  It’s about time, in my estimation.  I’ve noticed that when you’re at the bottom you get the most clarity and have the least to lose.  There’s nothing like being repeatedly thrown outside of your comfort zone to force you from complacency.

Having this year to really work on myself has been a fulfilling and beneficial experience.  I’ve made great strides both in life, and in my internal structure.  I’m healthy, (mostly) happy and consistently moving forward.  I’ve given myself room to dream and allow for adventurous undertakings.  Maybe things have to happen a certain way, to ensure the proper path is taken…or maybe it’s just bad fucking luck.  Either way, you’ve got to play the hand you’re dealt.

 

 

 

 

 

Kids In America 

Parenting is hard…exhausting even.  Parenting a teen with depression can be a nightmare.  Seeing your child in pain is one of the most awful things on this earth.  Watching them, knowing they’re hurting and not being able to do anything about it is a hell unlike any other.  

I try.  Dear god I try.  I listen, try to be as supportive as possible, be there for him when he needs me, and give him the tools he needs to grow.  Sometimes I don’t know if I’m doing more harm than good.  I simply give him the things I’ve been taught and hope he uses them.  

But I’m not perfect, and sometimes I can be the “just deal with it” and the “if you change this things will be better”…mind over matter mom.  I believe in these principles, they have served me well over the years, but I can’t assume that he works like me.  That we’re the same.  

Being lost is misery incarnate.  I can truly appreciate being hurt, and wanting to change but feeling as though it’s not even a remote possibility.  I understand never wanting to get out of bed.  I know that clouds that work to stop you from productivity…from a happy life.  I’ve known these demons since I was a little girl, and I’ve fought them daily.  

But being a teenager means that he doesn’t want to listen…he wants to give up and call it a day.  I can’t stand that.  It hurts me and I have no idea how to field this kind of behavior.  I’ve never parented a teen before, and there’s no book to be read that even begins to uncover the specific truth that is my boy.   

Every day is trial and error, and I fail more than I succeed.  But I’ll keep trying.  Every.  Single.  Day.  I’ll continue to try.  To be here.  To love him with everything that I am.  To support him and lift him up at all costs.  Give him room to breathe.  Help him flourish.  I keep telling him: one day at a time.  Just one day at a time.

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.  -Frederick Douglas

All By Myself 

The last couple of days have been…unique to say the least.  Situations in the last nine months have ranged from hurtful to horrible to reparative and everything in between.  I have a lot of emotions rolling around inside me today…most residual, some slightly more pronounced.  I believe the one that stands out the most is loneliness.  

I miss the companionship.  I miss sharing things.  I miss giving/getting attention.  I miss having someone to laugh with.  All of these things were part of my daily life for awhile, and every now and then I find myself feeling that distinct lack…acutely.  To have and to have not.  

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna go all Ophelia and throw myself into the water…but there will be times when I feel overwhelmed.  I can’t be brave all the time.  It’s hard to face the world alone…and I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now.  So if I have some down time, don’t judge me too harshly for it.  

I’m a work in progress…always.  

Stand By Me

My son saw his first dead body today.

Originally I had intended to write about the storm and my quiet day at work…and instead I am left feeling uneasy and more than a little shaken with regards to today’s events.  Yesterday I came home to multiple cops, and several fire trucks (lights…no sirens) outside of my apartment building.  I walked up the stairs to find no less than four policemen waiting in the breezeway.  One smiled, said hello, and asked if I lived in 202..I replied with “no, I live in 204” and went into my apartment.  My son had been home all day as schools are closed until Tuesday.  I asked him if he’d heard what was going on, and he said the only thing he knew was that there were a bunch of people outside.  Nothing more.  Everyone eventually exited the hallway and we went about our evening as usual.

Cut to today at lunch, when I get a text from my son saying that our next door neighbor (our doors are three feet apart) overdosed yesterday…I asked him how he knew and he said “because I saw him”.  I’m sorry, what?!!?!?  Apparently he had gone out to get the mail and was turned back very quickly by a policeman and a body on the ground…uncovered.  I talked to my boy for a little while…I think he was a little shaken up, but ultimately doing alright.  I on the other hand was in “mom mode” and internally freaking out.  What do I say?  How do I engage him without being super annoying?  How will I know if this becomes a problem?  Thoughts were racing through my head at a freakish pace, and I will admit to having a hard time keeping up.  Ultimately, I just let him know that I’m here if he needs to talk.  I mean, what else can I do?  What a bizarre situation…

Now, here’s my issue:

Did they leave this guy’s lifeless body in his apartment overnight?  #shudder #wtf

Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this?  If you have, please email me and give me some sort of advice…I feel a little lost (a common feeling as of late)…all of my details are available on this site.

Sigh…2016

**UPDATE: Our neighbor was murdered outside of our apartment.  He did not overdose as previously stated**