When You Wish Upon A Star

Sometimes I have dreams.  Normal people dreams.  Dreams of simplicity.  Of domesticity.  

Living a comfortable existence.  Laughter and love are plentiful.  We talk of things: current events, literature, politics, philosophy, and a myriad of topics known only to those involved.  Holding hands, a touch on the shoulder, a light kiss.  We entertain in sync, our hospitality flawless, and lighthearted.  Everyone is well taken care of, all are jubilant.  It is the holiday season after all.  

The smell of Christmas time fills the air, as carols play over portable speakers.  Cookies are well baked, and delectable pies are available on every kitchen surface.  The cocktails flow, and each guest feels charmed, as plenty of attention is paid.  

This is my joy.  Just being with you, and enjoying those we love.  Such lovely thoughts.  These are my dreams.  My simple wish.  My humble prayer.  

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I’m Not Down

I am anxious.

Questions abound that remain unanswered.  Words halted by mouths too afraid to hear answers.  

I push them down.  

Breathe in and out.  Create meditative spaces that enhance patience, and develop understanding.

I unravel momentarily.

As things remain in stasis, I am visited by the ghosts of relationships past.  The liars, the cheaters, the thieves.  The patterns of hurt and worry burst forth, smothering me…restricting my airways, and causing the ever-present feeling of drowning.  

I am stronger than anxiety.

Panic attacks cannot subdue me.  Tears do not choke me.  I am bigger and badder than the melancholy of a suspended heart.  Today I want to transcend fear.  Transcend self-doubt.  Transcend the emotional wounds.  Transcend any and all things that hold me back.  

I want to breathe easy knowing that things are simple and uncomplicated.  That the paradigm has shifted, and I can quiet my raucous mind.  Others may have failed you.  But if you’ll allow me, I will show you what it is to truly have a partner in all things.  Just you and I.  Equals.  

I cannot promise much.  All I have is the potential for adventures, laughter, deep conversations, political discourse, a shared passion for music, physical compatibility, and all of the love and support a person could ever ask for. 

Take a chance on me.  

❤️

Long Black Veil

Had my faith sorely tested, and my trust in people shattered.  Someone who at one time I would’ve entrusted with my life, wound up being just as big of a liar and a fraud as every other man I’ve had the misfortune of being attached to.  It’s a blow to my psyche, and a worrisome chipping away of my only happy memories of 2016.  

A man I had thought myself in love with (at one time), who proclaimed he’d give me the world, and never ceased telling me that I was the most beautiful woman in existence, turned out to be a lying sleazebag of epic proportions.  

Playing two women at the same time.  Telling one he loved her, while romancing another.  Continually talking to one after securing another in a “monogamous” fashion.  Sexualizing one, while actually sleeping with another.  

I was cheated on…he was cheated on…and now it’s he who has become that which he so despised.  I’m disgusted and dissolutioned.  

I talked about him as though he were noble and kind.  I excused his bad behavior because I thought it all came from a place of goodness, of necessity, of caring.  I wrote as though the sun rose and set with him…because at the time, it did.  Turns out he did not deserve any such praise, nor any forgiveness from me.  

He always said he wanted me to be angry at him, to rail against him for what he did to me.  I could never bring myself to be upset with him.  I’d felt that he was justified in his actions and above reproach.  It.  Was.  All.  Lies.  It was never anything but lies.  

Now I’m angry.  

Now I’m hurt.

Now I’m done.

Luckily, that’s what you always wanted.  

So here’s a big-beer-and-music-drenched “FUCK YOU” from me.  I hope you choke on it.  

Bottomless Seas 

**I wrote this post after a vacation with one of my closest friends.  Honestly, I thought it had been deleted accidentally, so it was never posted.  Super excited to find it again.  Enjoy.**

I woke up this morning, still feeling the waves beneath me.  And though I know I remain on dry land, the rhythm of the sea still dwells deep within.  I’ve always been transfixed by the soft white caps that make up the ocean’s waves.  There’s something about it that speaks to the soul in a language that only exists in movement.  The ebb and flow a deep breath in and out of the waters great, proverbial lungs…its beauty immeasurable.

Standing on rocky shores, I embraced you.  I stared into your great expanse and came back changed.  I touched your edges and you touched my soul.  We danced together on sandy beaches beneath a bright and tropical sun.  It was a time I will not soon forget.

The wind was at our backs, propelling us ever forward, urging us onward toward adventure.  We tasted exotic foods, drank to our heart’s content, and experienced some of life’s great moments.  Every instance forever etched in our memories.

Within your waves, my heart dwells.  Inside my mind, your calm exists.  We are one, you and I.  Uncharted, with depths undiscovered.  I will carry you with me always.

Until we meet again. ❤️

We Close Our Eyes

Imagine a woman. 

She struggles.  She fights.  She climbs from dark depths.  She breathes fire and moves mountains. When she sleeps the world blurs and fades away, because all life lives within her.  She is strength personified.  She is that which you are, and all that you are not.  She is a cleansing rain.  She is resilience.  She is woman.  She is you.  She is me.

I have lived a life of adversity.  I have wrestled with demons, and spoken with angels.  In my time on this earth, I have done my damndest to breathe life into my surroundings, support those whom I love, and shape myself into the person I am today.  I fail more than I succeed, but not trying is never an option.  

My ideology is this: Take joy in the little things.  Appreciate always.  Live to be grateful.  Share your truths.  Be better.  Help those less fortunate.  Participate.  Let go of negativity.  Be confident in yourself, and your abilities.  Laugh…loudly and often.  Intellectualize and theorize with abandon.  Take chances.  Be kind.  

I say these things with no judgement, no negative intent…I am no more evolved than you, merely self-actualized.  We are that which we choose to be.  Your only limitations being the breadth of your vast imagination.  So have your dreams, be your dreams, live your dreams.  

And never, ever let life pass you by.

❤️

Time Bomb

Last night was one of the worst I’ve ever experienced.  From beginning to end it was a nonstop parade of shit, and even now in the glaring light of day, I am unable to escape its events.

A man pretending to be my lyft driver tried to sexually assault me.  I will spare you the gory details, since reliving such atrocities is difficult for both me and my reader.  Just know that he’s nursing some wounds today…he picked the wrong woman to mess with.  I haven’t fought like that in some time, and today my body is reminding me of just that very fact.  I haven’t stopped shaking.  

On my way home, I was visibly shaken from the horrid turn my night had taken.  I was around twenty-five minutes from home, when a car pulled in front of me and slammed on its brakes.   I rear-ended said car.  I’ve had this happen once before, in the early 2000’s…it’s a way to commit insurance fraud.  I hit them, I’m at fault.  No way to fight it.  I’m just screwed.  Now, 12+ hours later my car won’t start, and I don’t know what to do.  

Lately my stress levels have been through the roof.  I’ve been coping as well as can be expected, but things just haven’t been going my way.  I don’t feel equipped to process any of this.  Part of me wants to retreat into silence and nurse my wounds, part of me wants to fight through the pain (mental, physical, emotional), and part of me wants to simply give up and break down.

Not entirely sure of what I should do.  I feel really lost, and unbelievably alone.  

Happy Mother’s Day to me.

Sweet For Sorrow

I’m exhausted.

As of late I’ve been unable to rest or relax.  My shoulders are tight, and my back is a jumble of knots getting more gnarled by the day.  My head aches, and my body quickly follows suit.  Depression and anxiety are my constant companions, and the worst part about that is: life is good.  

I have no complaints about my existence currently.  My home has become a refuge that speaks to me, and it gives me comfort.  Work is fulfilling, and the people I work with…inspiring.  Planning a trip home to California to visit family and friends has allowed me to feel excitement and anticipation.  There’s no reason whatsoever for this immense onslaught of debilitating yuckiness.  

So why do I feel this way?

Unfortunately for those who suffer from chemical imbalance, there doesn’t have to be a reason.  The constant misfire and synapse reuptake issues in the brain make for the most annoying grab bag of mental misfortune.  All of this manifests itself both physically and mentally.  My heartache can turn into body ache in the blink of an eye, and the after effects are painfully long term.  

This is why I’m so tired.  This is why I’m unable to sleep and feel rested.  This is why I wake up feeling miserable.  This is why I don’t want to talk.  This is my proverbial fetal position.  

Cognitively I know that life is good.  Rationally I can look out my window and know that what I’m seeing is beautiful.  I am self-aware enough to know when I’m in the midst of a depressive episode, and cognizant enough to know that this too shall pass.  I simply have to wait it out.  Keep struggling for that silver lining I know is just beyond the horizon.  

I am stronger than mental illness.

❤️

I’m Shipping Up To Boston (Blood & Whiskey)

May those who love us, love us;

And for those who don’t love us,

May God turn their hearts;

And if He doesn’t turn their hearts,

May He turn their ankles, 

So we will know them by their limping!

-Irish Blessing

Love is a funny thing.  Love takes you places you never thought you’d go; and down rabbit holes you’d never dare venture into otherwise.  Love is the blindfold that we wear in front of the firing squad.  Love is the pillow we smother ourselves with.  Love is a burden I’d rather not bear.  

Humans are such squishy, sentimental creatures, baring their souls to the masses daily (I, myself included).  Taking a hard look inward, I’ve noticed that I’m a disgustingly emotional hooman bean.  I cry at movies.  I keep mementos of times long since gone.  I occasionally write blogs about romance, and retreat deep into my psyche when love songs are heard.  I’m a sad grown-up version of my 15 year old self…and I abhor it.

I thought things would be different in my 30’s.  I figured by now I’d be married, or in a committed relationship with someone who gets me, and living the life I’m “supposed to”.  But honestly, I want nothing to do with that anymore.  Not saying that I never will again, but for now the thought is simply unappealing.  When you’ve got a face in your mind, and you’re unable to conjure said person, it makes dreaming again far more difficult.  A heart can only take so much.

Having a romantic soul is the epitome of masochism.  You dream, you hope, you lose, and then you wake up one day and do it all over again.  We’re such ridiculous creatures, unable to let go of the things that hurt us most.  Unwilling to change that which is intristic to our being.  We just don’t know how to let go…nor do we want to.  It’s a catch-22 of bullshit and never-ending disappointment.  

So, on this St Patrick’s Day weekend, I wish you luck, because love is nothing but a pain in the ass.  🍀

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Step back.

Take a deep breath.

Remember that you are a capable, smart, and competent individual that carries value.  You are not a superfluous cog left over in the IKEA box that is life.  You are not a third wheel, and life is not actively shitting on you, your goals, or your dreams.  You are someone.  You matter.

Feeling under-appreciated and lacking in purpose is a real issue for me.  I look forward to the day when I’m able to feel fulfilled, and necessary in my everyday dealings.  I want people to look at me and know the value I possess.  I don’t want “But what about Amy?” to be a lifelong issue.  Like the last person perpetually picked for kickball.  I’m worth more than that.

Occasionally I make big life decisions: have a baby, get married, get divorced, get married again, get divorced again, move to FL, move to CA, move back to FL, get married a third time, move to NJ, get divorced x3…are any of these ever going to be the right decision?  At any point in my life will I be able to confidently say “This was right.”?  Will the pieces ever fall into place?  Can the square pegs of my life be jammed into the round holes I’m presented with?  Seriously universe, what gives?

In the midst of all of these issues, I can feel myself emotionally drowning.  I’m in a depressive state, and it’s hard to see the big picture when you’re inundated with minutiae. So knowing where I am is the first step…

But where do I belong?

You’re So Vain (Raise Hell)

Let’s be confident.

Let’s be arrogant.

Let’s talk about me.  

Now that so many of the major hurdles in my life are behind me, I can really focus on what matters most: MOVING FORWARD.  With that being said, I’m excited to announce that I’m happily doing me these days.  I’m worth investing in.  All along I’ve spoken about working on myself and am unabashedly pleased to do so.  I’m a fucking rockstar and will treat myself as such.  So much of my life was spent never thinking about myself or my needs, and that stops now.  Often we lose ourselves in the day to day minutia, and after the dumpster fire that was 2016, I’m never ever giving myself less than 💯 again.  Boom.

So in honor of me, I’m going to tout my good qualities in this post.  I am:

A good person

A good friend 

A good mother

A good partner (when applicable)

Charming

Funny

Smart

Patient

Understanding

Kind

Generous 

Knowledgeable

Fun AF

Principled

A wealth of useless factoids

Worthwhile 

Real

A Warrior

Honest

Motivated

Strong

Talented

Badass

More than anything I can’t stand people who drag others down with that “don’t be arrogant” BS.  Confidence is sexy, and people who acknowledge their abilities and gifts are 100% awesome in my book.  I wish more humans would do just that…be confident.  Stop second guessing yourself.  Stop saying you aren’t good enough.  Stop with the negativity already and embrace your inner superhero.  

I believe you.  I believe in me.  Together we’re unstoppable.