I’m Shipping Up To Boston (Blood & Whiskey)

May those who love us, love us;

And for those who don’t love us,

May God turn their hearts;

And if He doesn’t turn their hearts,

May He turn their ankles, 

So we will know them by their limping!

-Irish Blessing

Love is a funny thing.  Love takes you places you never thought you’d go; and down rabbit holes you’d never dare venture into otherwise.  Love is the blindfold that we wear in front of the firing squad.  Love is the pillow we smother ourselves with.  Love is a burden I’d rather not bear.  

Humans are such squishy, sentimental creatures, baring their souls to the masses daily (I, myself included).  Taking a hard look inward, I’ve noticed that I’m a disgustingly emotional hooman bean.  I cry at movies.  I keep mementos of times long since gone.  I occasionally write blogs about romance, and retreat deep into my psyche when love songs are heard.  I’m a sad grown-up version of my 15 year old self…and I abhor it.

I thought things would be different in my 30’s.  I figured by now I’d be married, or in a committed relationship with someone who gets me, and living the life I’m “supposed to”.  But honestly, I want nothing to do with that anymore.  Not saying that I never will again, but for now the thought is simply unappealing.  When you’ve got a face in your mind, and you’re unable to conjure said person, it makes dreaming again far more difficult.  A heart can only take so much.

Having a romantic soul is the epitome of masochism.  You dream, you hope, you lose, and then you wake up one day and do it all over again.  We’re such ridiculous creatures, unable to let go of the things that hurt us most.  Unwilling to change that which is intristic to our being.  We just don’t know how to let go…nor do we want to.  It’s a catch-22 of bullshit and never-ending disappointment.  

So, on this St Patrick’s Day weekend, I wish you luck, because love is nothing but a pain in the ass.  🍀

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Step back.

Take a deep breath.

Remember that you are a capable, smart, and competent individual that carries value.  You are not a superfluous cog left over in the IKEA box that is life.  You are not a third wheel, and life is not actively shitting on you, your goals, or your dreams.  You are someone.  You matter.

Feeling under-appreciated and lacking in purpose is a real issue for me.  I look forward to the day when I’m able to feel fulfilled, and necessary in my everyday dealings.  I want people to look at me and know the value I possess.  I don’t want “But what about Amy?” to be a lifelong issue.  Like the last person perpetually picked for kickball.  I’m worth more than that.

Occasionally I make big life decisions: have a baby, get married, get divorced, get married again, get divorced again, move to FL, move to CA, move back to FL, get married a third time, move to NJ, get divorced x3…are any of these ever going to be the right decision?  At any point in my life will I be able to confidently say “This was right.”?  Will the pieces ever fall into place?  Can the square pegs of my life be jammed into the round holes I’m presented with?  Seriously universe, what gives?

In the midst of all of these issues, I can feel myself emotionally drowning.  I’m in a depressive state, and it’s hard to see the big picture when you’re inundated with minutiae. So knowing where I am is the first step…

But where do I belong?