I’ve heard nothing but rain (and about rain) for the last two days. This tropical storm going to drive me batty, I’m certain of it. Schools in the area will be closed tomorrow, and I’m still stuck swimming to work. So much of the dreariness and the wetness. It looked like it was approximately 8PM until around 2PM when the word became a stunning gray instead of the previously established pitch black.
Tropical storm “Hermine”…is it? What a stupid name. Way to go, weather commission. You are a bunch of royal douchebags.
We’re supposed to get 6 inches of rain by Friday…obviously I’ll have to kayak to Publix to get milk. Good times. Like Florida didn’t have enough of a rain issue. Now the frogs run the place and I’m stuck holed up in my apartment like a first class shut in…AND I ONLY HAVE ONE BEER LEFT! Whyyyyyyyyy???
I know nothing of preparedness. But I am an an avid googler (Googler? Is that a thing?) so I’m sure I’ll be fine. Most of these things blow over without incident and leave almost as soon as they come (HA!). I figure I’ll be no more worse for wear when the week ends.
Should anything change, or if you’re worried about me (I’m looking at you, Mom)…shoot me a text, or gimme a call. I’m always available to bitch and moan about the inclement weather.
Eight months and twenty-six days…eight months and twenty-six days I’ve dealt with complete and total garbage. Eight months and twenty-six days of death and dismay and proper bullshit. Eight months and twenty-six days.
Now, on to month nine. Month nine I expect to get its act together. Month nine better respect the fact that I’ve got some serious karmic points built up and I’m ready to cash in. Month nine better get me a damn job and a place to live in whichever state will have me. Month nine better have my son feeling better about things that have transpired in the past eight months and twenty-six days. Month nine needs to soften the blow of my damn birthday, and leave me just enough money to buy myself some Lush Vanillary perfume. Is that too much to ask, month nine?
I feel like my entire life has been building up to this point. I’ve not had the easiest life, and I’m ok with that simply because I know that bad times can’t last forever. Without sad there would be no happy…I’ve said it a million times. I can move passed the sad, as long as I can find my little oasis, my silver lining. So with that being said…COUGH IT UP, UNIVERSE! You. Freaking. Owe. Me. Big.
I’m ready and willing to do whatever it takes to facilitate the next steps of my journey. I just need that cosmic push. Have karma, will travel. I’m ready.
I miss seasons…autumn most especially. I haven’t seen the leaves change since I lived in California. Watching the leaves falls as I walked through well-chilled streets was the epitome of what the entrance to the holiday season was all about. I adore brisk nights and cool, blustery days. I’m ready to feel that again.
My son and I were talking the other day about what it would be like to live somewhere with snow…and my first thought was “oh, I would probably have to buy a jacket”. This made me laugh uncontrollably, as I haven’t had to wear a jacket in forever…Florida does not require such things. I found the idea rather exciting. I love adventures, and this will be the first one I’ve ever embarked on as a single woman.
So, back to the logistics…obviously I would need a job wherever I’m going, so that’s the first step. Get a job. I’ve been told by some friends in my chosen industry that I should try and get another job in whatever area I want to work and then remain local until such time as these people of legend get around to calling me. This was incredibly good advice, and I’ve broadened my search to include my current title as well and my dream job. Gotta get that ball rolling somehow.
Next step…moving…out of state…dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun! Though I moved to Florida by my lonesome originally, I had someone waiting for me to help out and soften the blow of a 2700 mile move. When I move this time I will have no one, and nothing but my wits to carry me through. It’s a little bit daunting, but I know that I’m able to handle such things. I’ve got to price trucks, and moving men (once I get wherever I’m going), and apartments and deposits, etc etc etc. lots to do. One thing at a time.
Needless to say, I’m feeling very upbeat about the whole thing. I love the idea of such a ginormous change in circumstance, and I’m having a wonderful time mentally planning every minute. New places, new people, new experiences…and maybe (jut maybe) a little bit of a new me. What a charming thought. But don’t you worry, dear reader, I won’t change too much. I’m pretty damn great already (jus sayin). 😘
As we come to the end of yet another week, I’m feeling pretty good overall. It still freaks me out that life moves so quickly as we age…I remember as a youngster the school day took FOREVER and a week was completely unbearable, especially if I was looking forward to something happening that weekend. Now it seems as though my weeks fly by…and don’t even get me started on months and how quickly I leave them in my dust. Life is too short. I’m working on enjoying (or at least being grateful) for every moment.
This weekend begins the big packing push. My apartment already looks like the beginning of an estate sale, and I’m both nervous and excited about getting it all crated up. New experiences, no matter where they’re located, are always a good thing. Since we (STILL PEOPLE, STILL) have no wifi (Eff Frontier)…I will be alternately packing, reading, and watching movies all weekend. Oh, and then a birthday dinner for friend on Sunday (YAS). Good times.
As far as outta state jobs go, I’ve been throwing my resume around like a fiend. Still crossing my fingers for something before October 1st…that way I don’t have to break a lease…but unfortunately life doesn’t care about my time frames, no matter how much I want them to. I just keep rolling with the punches, it’s really all I can do right now. Obviously I’ll keep you updated as to the exciting adventures of me waiting to hear things from people who live far away…lol
Speaking of people who live far away, I talked to someone the other day and was really able to get some clarification and some serious purging out of the way. I feel good about the talk and think that we might just be on the same page once again. It’s been a long time coming. You don’t have to be in love with me to buy me one of (the many) beers you owe me…lol…one day, when we’re ready.
Everything else is pretty unremarkable. Just trying to keep busy, breathe, and make the most of things as they are. Not have any unrealistic expectations, but keep as much positivity and hope in my heart as possible.
I feel a constant pressure in my head, in my shoulders, and in my heart. There’s been little to abate the problematic nature of all that is the year 2016. Heartbreak is rampant, and life has broken down beyond recognition. I have no one beside me, no one in front of me, and nothing currently ahead of me. Every step is blind and every foothold tenuous in nature.
I have loved, and I have lost. I have dreamt, and I have hoped. I have done more crying than any sane person should, and I’ve continued to wake up every morning regardless of my need to perish. I have so much to give (and give I have), yet on two separate occasions I have been easily forgotten. The first I too have forgotten, the second continues to haunt me, with no signs of letting up anywhere in sight.
When bad things happen, when marriages crumble, when pain and anguish are your everyday mistresses, and the only common denominator is you…such things bear a closer look. I’ve been told I was amazing…I am not. I’ve been told I was beautiful…I am not. I am nothing, and nothing I will remain until such time as I can gather up the strength to persevere. Until then I am background noise. I am the consummate work in progress.
Emotionally I am broken. Would that I were emotionally barren…bereft of the hurt that plagues me. I cannot even breathe without thinking of a time not so long ago. It gives me comfort. It allows me a simple bit of solace in this cruel world. Though I know I should not live within such a fantasy, the alternative is so very much worse. Reality is a burden I no longer wish to participate in. Give me dreams, or give me death.
Yes, this is melodrama.
Yes, this is indulgent.
No, I don’t care.
Just let me breathe.
There’s no such thing as the grand gesture. There’s no such thing as a happy ending (that doesn’t involve twenty extra dollars and a very accommodating masseuse). Romance novel and movie love isn’t real…it’s a fallacy that women share with other women to keep hope alive.
RomComs are feminine propaganda. Just like the famed “Harry Potter” series deludes children into thinking they’re special and have a higher purpose, RomComs have women thinking the perfect guy is out there…and if he is, that he always comes back. But a lie is a lie is a lie.
My son and I have watched nothing but romantic comedies for the last three days. Every one in my collection (though I’m pretty sure I have more comedies and action films than RomComs)…but since the wifi is out (still…ugh…kill me), I’m relegated to what’s in my personal collection. Every minute is a heart-string-tugging bunch of bullshit. Human garbage taunting me with these malicious dreams…these unattainable goals.
Now we’re watching “Jersey Girl”…I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed this film…even if Jennifer Lopez is in it. That’s real life…you have something perfect and amazing for just a moment, and then it’s gone. Alone with your kid, alone with your life. Alone. That’s reality.
And reality fucking sucks.
So the wifi is out until Wednesday. That means no Hulu, no Netflix, no streaming music from my phone, and no lengthy time on the interwebs. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO UNTIL WEDNESDAY?!?!? Insult to injury. Insult. To. Injury.
I’ve been reading a lot. Most notably “Rules For Radicals” by Saul Alinksy. I’ve read this book countless times and it never ceases to inspire me. His words (written 40+ years ago) still hold truth and power. They’re the organizer’s primer. They’re the backbone of revolution.
And we all know that I’m in need of a revolution. Internal. External. Lifestyle. I’ve been working so hard to take control of my own life this year and not allow outside forces to continually break me down…but I’m seriously feeling a legitimate Job vibe these days (it’s a Bible reference, people…look it up…lol). So it’s been really tough to find solid footing amongst the constant shift.
But I’m getting there, day by day I’m getting there. It hasn’t been fun or easy, but we’ve made some progress. New dreams, new decisions, same love, same backbone. I’m digging in my heels, embracing my stubborn nature and screaming to the heavens that I will never give up. I will never back down. Though there will be days that I struggle…I will never ever let go. I will persevere. And much like Gloria Gaynor, I will survive.
Those of you who’ve stuck with me through the last year…you’re the real MVP’s. You keep reading, talking to me, following me on this mad mad mad mad mad mad journey through time and space. Even if you never say a word, just knowing that you’re out there keeps me going. Be it voyeurism or genuine caring, I salute you, dear reader. I think we’ve both come a long way.
Sometimes I feel like giving up.
Sometimes I feel like it’s all too much.
Sometimes I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt before.
Everything has changed. But nothing has resolved the way I wanted it to…the way I believed it should. It’s all just outside my grasp, and just beyond my field of vision.
Nothing is fair…even what’s “fair” isn’t fair. I’m angry. With today, with yesterday, with the last eight and a half months…with life itself. I wasn’t supposed to be here. In this predicament. Starting over in my mid-30’s. Sans happy. Sans partner. Sans stability.
I’ve always been so strong. So resilient. I’ve had to be. No choice in the matter. I am who I was made to be…molded by mistakes, choices, pathways, people. Every day makes a new me. Every experience initiates a chrysalis, changing me into something different…stronger…and more foreign.
I feel like I’m losing myself, little by little…sometimes laughing is hard and smiling even more so. I’m overwhelmed, and with no one to help shoulder my burden, I’m afraid of losing what’s left of my normalcy. I try so hard to exist in this new reality, but I’m afraid of everything taking its toll and being irrevocably changed.
I have no doubt as to my survival…that is guaranteed. But what of my soul? Does it remain unscathed? What of trust? Of love? Of life?
What of me?