Sweet For Sorrow

I’m exhausted.

As of late I’ve been unable to rest or relax.  My shoulders are tight, and my back is a jumble of knots getting more gnarled by the day.  My head aches, and my body quickly follows suit.  Depression and anxiety are my constant companions, and the worst part about that is: life is good.  

I have no complaints about my existence currently.  My home has become a refuge that speaks to me, and it gives me comfort.  Work is fulfilling, and the people I work with…inspiring.  Planning a trip home to California to visit family and friends has allowed me to feel excitement and anticipation.  There’s no reason whatsoever for this immense onslaught of debilitating yuckiness.  

So why do I feel this way?

Unfortunately for those who suffer from chemical imbalance, there doesn’t have to be a reason.  The constant misfire and synapse reuptake issues in the brain make for the most annoying grab bag of mental misfortune.  All of this manifests itself both physically and mentally.  My heartache can turn into body ache in the blink of an eye, and the after effects are painfully long term.  

This is why I’m so tired.  This is why I’m unable to sleep and feel rested.  This is why I wake up feeling miserable.  This is why I don’t want to talk.  This is my proverbial fetal position.  

Cognitively I know that life is good.  Rationally I can look out my window and know that what I’m seeing is beautiful.  I am self-aware enough to know when I’m in the midst of a depressive episode, and cognizant enough to know that this too shall pass.  I simply have to wait it out.  Keep struggling for that silver lining I know is just beyond the horizon.  

I am stronger than mental illness.