Like a Shotgun

On a day not so long ago, something occurred that changed everything.  I’ve written a lot about events that have lead up to said change, so I need not rehash the past, only cast a little light on the future.

Feelings are strong, though hesitant.  Being nervous is part of moving outside of one’s comfort zone, (I understand the need to have both feet on the ground, considering).  I have begun again with a more realistic ideology, a renewed hope, and a more conventional approach…thus far it’s worked for me.

I have little to no idea what the future holds, but I trust in the universe to give me what I need, as well as what I deserve.  I’ve waded  through more than my fair share of garbage in the last year, and I’m happily building toward that cosmic reward.  I know what I want…I always have.  But I’m happy to patiently wait until it (hopefully) manifests itself in its own time.

Then one day, this song will play and the meaning will be clear…

Welcome back.

Fuego

Oh Boston, you did not disappoint.  Music and merriment, songs and sweat and surprises.  You were beautiful.  Your lights bright, and your high rises sky-worthy.  The chill in the air was no match for the warmth in my heart.

Adventure awaits if you’re ready.  Beyond the horizon the sun is rising.  Spontaneity is king…and even if I never see you again, for one brief shining moment we were one.  Thank you for your hospitality…it’s something I’ll never forget as long as I live.  

Goodbye To You

As 2016 comes to its painfully slow closure, I’d like to do a little bit of a retrospective on my life as I’ve known it the past year.  It’s been a long and arduous journey, but here I stand…still driven, and better than I’ve ever been.  

January 1st my husband left me.  This was the most wonderful thing that could’ve ever happened.  I was thrown from my world of passionless complacency and thrust into a life of unknown possibilities.  I wasn’t happy in my marriage, and I didn’t know it until I was free.  After being single for a year, I’m happy to report that I didn’t die of loneliness, and I am fully able to function independently of another human being.  Now that I’ve leveled the playing field, I’m able to contemplate a life with another person…but because I WANT TO, not because I can’t be alone.  

I’ve lost people this year.  Martin was especially difficult on me, though I proudly wear his art on my body forever.  I miss you, and I know wherever you are, you’re smiling down on me and probably schooling everyone in the afterlife on fine literature and philosophy.  I will never forget our discussions while he tattooed me, or how he always loved to tell me I was his favorite client.

Through intense self-reflection I grew as a person.  I was able to look forward through my general malaise and blaze a trail never before taken.  I’ve changed jobs…and states…and lifestyles.  This blog has helped immensely in my growth and aided in moving me toward normalcy.  I’ve been so proud that people have contacted me along the way, sharing how my blog helped them in their lives and during their darker moments.  Thats what it’s all about.  A constant work in progress.  Learning that I’m stronger than my adversity. That I’m better than my circumstances.  

I’ve loved and lost.

I’ve cried and raged.  

I’ve moved mountains and quieted my mind.  

I’ve come so far.

Now is when life starts to get good.  This moment is all we have, and to not make the most of every single one is a great disservice to ourselves.  Tell that person you’ve been harboring feelings for that you care.  Tell your family and friends how much you love and value them.  Hug often and laugh always.  Keep breathing.  Keep dreaming.  Keep loving. Keep living.  Keep moving forward.  Don’t waste a single minute on things that don’t matter.  Be you and be happy.

❤️

Hi-Ho Silver Lining 

Today’s been rather problematic for me emotionally.  Not sure what happened this morning, but I woke up exceedingly out of sorts…alternately sad and confused by said sadness.  I’m still unable to process the reason behind the obvious low point…it seems just beyond my grasp.  

Understandably, this time of year is difficult for those of us whose loved ones are thousand of miles away (California and Florida, respectively).  Plus not having my stuff has been a trying experience, to be sure.  Long work hours, and lack of social life round out my daily activities.  This move hasn’t been an easy one, but I’m hoping that it’ll be a rewarding one…considering all I’ve left behind.  

I see a lot of potential in my future.  Some things may be in the works, other things rapidly gaining velocity.  None of it is easy, but  it’s proving to be more than rewarding.  Though there might be hurdles, I’m willing to work through it all.  I’m never able to give less than 100%, and I’m ok with that.  I’ll risk it all for something great.

Being able to put words to “page” (as it were), has helped me breathe again.  Reframe and refocus.  Still not at full capacity, but gaining ground and purposefully moving forward…even if where I’m going is foreign. 

Stick with me, kids…on to adventure.  

❤️

Summerland 

I am officially a resident of New Jersey.  

I am officially on my own.

I jumped without a safety net, and I came out on the other side relatively unscathed.  

Admittedly, I have mixed emotions about the whole ordeal.  Though I desperately love my job, the people therein, and my new place of residence…I am lacking friends (the best ones in the world, might I add), and the support system I’ve come to know and love.  It’s difficult to start over.  It’s probably the hardest and most daunting thing I’ve ever undertaken on my own…but I’ve done it.  

Every day that goes by, I am amazed by the changes I’ve undergone in the last year.  I went from passive bystander in my own life, to active participant, and I couldn’t be more pleased.  The differences are noticed by me daily, and this Thanksgiving (aka The Day of Indigenous Subjugation), I can honestly say I’ve never been more thankful.  Every day, every moment, is full of hope and promise and I am proud of who I am, as well as proud of who I one day will be, (as I happily live a life of constant improvement).  

There are some people I would like to acknowledge as the holiday season rapidly approaches:

Mercedes:  I love how we are able to lift one another up and help each other stand tall throughout adversity.  You are amazing, and wonderful,  and you are hands down one of the best friends I’ve ever had.  Keep waterboarding men with their own tears.  ❤️

Casey:  Dude, I couldn’t have kept it together this year without you.  You’re a fucking rockstar and I love you like a sister.  Best come visit me soon, cause I’m already having withdrawals.  🤘🏻

Joe:  Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.  Thank you for being there.  Thank you for being you.  

Anastasia, Suzanne, Aileen & Rich:  I love you all.  Work besties 4 lyfe!

Squab🍕:  I love you all, and I miss you like crazy!  You guys are my first real group of friends, and I cherish you all like whoa.  I’m going to come visit soon, and we’re going to Datz, bishes!  #fusionfries

As for the holidays…I couldn’t be more excited!  The Christmas season is bright, beautiful, and screams new beginnings…the lights, music, movies, feelings, decor…it’s everything to me.  This will be my first holiday alone, and though there will be fewer presents under the tree, there is more peace in my heart…and nothing feels quite like it.  

Be safe, be happy, be thankful always…not just once a year.  Have a wonderful holiday weekend, kids!  I love you all!  ❤️❤️❤️

The Impression That I Get

Though time and space may separate us, you are always in my heart.  Once I asked for friendship, and somewhere deep down, I think I was denied.  I’ve stopped texting you…which is probably for the best, since effort is (supposed to be) a two way street.  It would be up to you to say hello now, and ask to maybe see me, like we’d planned.  I can’t do it all, though you have to know how badly I want to.  

Maybe I’ll see you December 30th.  Wouldn’t that be something?  You and me under the same roof, hearing the same music, breathing the same air.  Strange.  

So many things going on in my life right now.  Things one would share with a friend.  Someone who knew you better than anyone else.  A person who cares for you, and who you care for in return.  It would be so easy to talk to you, and maybe hear your voice.  It’s been forever.  You moved and promised to call me once you settled…I never expected a call, which is good, since I didn’t get one.

I know you don’t read this anymore.  I’m sure you stopped caring a long time ago.  But this is my blog, and these are my words…as painful as they often are.  I need to get it all out, so that someday it won’t feel so…I dunno…empty…without your friendship.  

Life is currently being lived, time is always passing…but I remain the same.  Stronger definitely, and terminally resilient…but even after all that I am unchanged intrinsically.  So just know that I think about you often…and I’m always wishing you well.  You know where I’ll be.  

❤️

Fade From Black ❤️

Oh month 10, you did not disappoint.  

New Jersey has been my temporary home for the past two weeks.  I’ve been inhabiting a fairly solitary hotel room, and working the most epic job imaginable.  I’m in Florida for the next two days, and Monday I fly back out to (oddly enough) the same hotel room for another two weeks.  November (I fly back to FL on the 4th) my son and I will move to Jersey permanently.  What a whirlwind, what an adventure, what a future full of hope and promise!  

I have never felt fulfilled pushing papers.  Though I never noticed the gaping hole in my soul until I was given wings and permission to fly.  Such a fabulous feeling to wake up, knowing that what you do makes a real difference.  

The move, however, is going to be madness.  With the fresh hell of the last “move” firmly embedded in my hippocampus, I’m likely to have flashbacks brought on by boxes and packing tape.  It’s a 15ish hour drive to NJ and a very kind friend of mine has offered to shoulder the burden that is driving the moving van with my car attached.  I am so super grateful he volunteered to tour the east coast with the kiddo and I.  

I’m going to look at a few places on Wednesday…and should have everything nailed down by the weekend (if all goes well).  It’ll be nice to have some place of our own, to start over, and be a family (of two) again.  Then we can get settled, and begin our holiday revelry (those of you who know me, know I’m a Christmas junkie).  I can’t wait to celebrate the holidays with my boy.  Now that I think about it, I’ve never celebrated a Christmas without a partner…that should make for some seriously deep introspection (I see much blogging in the coming months…lol).

Life is good.  Finally.   I am full of purpose and meaning and love and optimism.  I’m headed into a future that I feel strongly positive about.  I am able to stand firmly on my own two feet, and am open to any and all possibilities.  I’m excited for new experiences, new friends, and maybe something more.  

The 11th Hour

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,

“To talk of many things:

Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–

Of cabbages–and kings–

And why the sea is boiling hot–

And whether pigs have wings.”

Today I stand on a precipice.  I am not where I was, nor am I where I will be.  I’m in transition.  I am a carefully traced leaf set aloft on the winds of change.  So many things on the horizon, so much to be done.  I am so very excited to finally let you in on my new journey.  

Tomorrow I leave for New Jersey.  I have accepted a position as a union organizer…my dream job.  I’ve never allowed myself to dream, until now, and I am both terrified and elated at the prospect of a new life.  I will be there for two weeks, learning the job, meeting members and staff, and familiarizing myself with the area.  Things have been in the works for about a month (hence my brief hiatus from you, dear reader), but now that I have a moment to catch my breath, I thought I’d bring you all up to speed.

Earlier this week I was a part of a hellacious moving experience that I won’t go into here (I so don’t want to relive even a second of that bullshit).  Just know that everything is in storage, and I’m sleeping on an air mattress in my friend’s front room.  Tristan and I are technically homeless for the time being.  Homeless but hopeful, I suppose…lol

I have had two last days at work this week.  Leaving both Sephora and HWI were emotional, to say the least.  I’ve become rather sentimental in my old age.  I am unable to express the depth of my love for each and every one of you…without my friends and my family, I am nothing and I am no one.  

So, onward and upwards (literally…to the North!) I go.  I’m taking the first step in a multi-layered adventure, and I’m so incredibly excited (and scared, did I mention scared???).  But I’ve got this…I always do.  2016 is starting to look up, and I couldn’t be more pleased.  

Here’s to new friends…

Here’s to new adventures…

Here’s to a new life…

❤️

Runaway Train

Death has enveloped 2016 like a burial shroud.  Famous people, close friends, the guy next door, and now a young girl…my son’s friend.  He tells me it was suicide…her mother told him.  I’ve seen more than my fair share of tears this year, and now I’m seeing those same tears reflected in the eyes of my baby boy.

Knowing how to handle such things is not in my wheelhouse.  All I see is that my son is hurting that there’s nothing I can do to stem the tide of pain that’s engulfing him.  His head hangs, and his body is tired.  We’ve both had a rough year.  

We held hands on the car ride home from school.  His fingers were clammy, tears were formed and then fell.  We didn’t talk much…we didn’t have to.  The hurt was palpable.  

I wanted to write a blog today about the future and all of its promise…but all I’m able to think about is that there’s a child out there who no longer has the option of a future.  Something in her mind was so bad, that she could see no other option, no path to redemption.  No light at the end of the tunnel.  This makes my soul ache, and my heart cry out in pain.  No child should feel like death is the only escape.  

It can’t rain forever.

Party At Ground Zero

Yesterday was my birthday.  

So many kind people wished me well, and I’ve officially got myself a big case of the warm fuzzies (even if you forgot…yes you…I see you over there).  Normally I dread my birthday, and all that it entails, but this time I made it through with a smile on my face.  I don’t remember ever being single on my birthday, so this was all very new to me…but hanging out with my son during the day, and with Mercedes, Casey, and Trish in the evening, (drinking faaaaaaar too much and eating tacos) eased that sting considerably.  I’m calling it a win.  

It’s 1:30PM and I’m still in bed.  I don’t get hungover, but drinking makes me exceedingly tired, and I’m enjoying having the day off.  I’ve got a few of those (days off) coming up in the next week, though I will be doing nothing but packing until the apartment is ready to go.  Soooooo many things up in the air at the moment, and I’m working incredibly hard to control what I can.  It keeps me sane.  

I am loving the idea of possibilities these days.  Potential this, and possible that.  Nothing but doors opening everywhere…we just have to step through them.  It’s all very Alice In Wonderland around here.  Down the rabbit hole and on to new adventures.  I’m not sure I’ve ever been more ready.  What an exciting time.  I finally know what I want, and I will have it all…I refuse to take no for an answer anymore.  ❤️

I might be conspicuously absent for the next week, but you better believe I’ll be back and updating like a madwoman as the moving process begins.  Gotta process all that change somehow!  lol

Smile.  Be well.  Be you.  Be back soon.