Bridge Over Troubled Water

Step back.

Take a deep breath.

Remember that you are a capable, smart, and competent individual that carries value.  You are not a superfluous cog left over in the IKEA box that is life.  You are not a third wheel, and life is not actively shitting on you, your goals, or your dreams.  You are someone.  You matter.

Feeling under-appreciated and lacking in purpose is a real issue for me.  I look forward to the day when I’m able to feel fulfilled, and necessary in my everyday dealings.  I want people to look at me and know the value I possess.  I don’t want “But what about Amy?” to be a lifelong issue.  Like the last person perpetually picked for kickball.  I’m worth more than that.

Occasionally I make big life decisions: have a baby, get married, get divorced, get married again, get divorced again, move to FL, move to CA, move back to FL, get married a third time, move to NJ, get divorced x3…are any of these ever going to be the right decision?  At any point in my life will I be able to confidently say “This was right.”?  Will the pieces ever fall into place?  Can the square pegs of my life be jammed into the round holes I’m presented with?  Seriously universe, what gives?

In the midst of all of these issues, I can feel myself emotionally drowning.  I’m in a depressive state, and it’s hard to see the big picture when you’re inundated with minutiae. So knowing where I am is the first step…

But where do I belong?

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You’re So Vain (Raise Hell)

Let’s be confident.

Let’s be arrogant.

Let’s talk about me.  

Now that so many of the major hurdles in my life are behind me, I can really focus on what matters most: MOVING FORWARD.  With that being said, I’m excited to announce that I’m happily doing me these days.  I’m worth investing in.  All along I’ve spoken about working on myself and am unabashedly pleased to do so.  I’m a fucking rockstar and will treat myself as such.  So much of my life was spent never thinking about myself or my needs, and that stops now.  Often we lose ourselves in the day to day minutia, and after the dumpster fire that was 2016, I’m never ever giving myself less than 💯 again.  Boom.

So in honor of me, I’m going to tout my good qualities in this post.  I am:

A good person

A good friend 

A good mother

A good partner (when applicable)

Charming

Funny

Smart

Patient

Understanding

Kind

Generous 

Knowledgeable

Fun AF

Principled

A wealth of useless factoids

Worthwhile 

Real

A Warrior

Honest

Motivated

Strong

Talented

Badass

More than anything I can’t stand people who drag others down with that “don’t be arrogant” BS.  Confidence is sexy, and people who acknowledge their abilities and gifts are 100% awesome in my book.  I wish more humans would do just that…be confident.  Stop second guessing yourself.  Stop saying you aren’t good enough.  Stop with the negativity already and embrace your inner superhero.  

I believe you.  I believe in me.  Together we’re unstoppable.

One Year of Love

Happy Anniversary to the Ditched Bitch Blog Experience!

One year…

It’s only been a year…

To me it feels like a thousand lifetimes have passed since I started blogging.  I  have been renewed.  I am happily reborn.  Not changed, per se, but invigorated and enhanced…I am gaining momentum toward becoming the best version of myself, and I’m not sure I could’ve undertaken such a complex journey without you: my friends, my family, and readers like you…you who unknowingly held my hand when I needed it most.  You have been my constant companions, and for that I thank you.

Here’s to many more!  Cheers!

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New America

My son woke me up early this morning to help him with his ROTC uniform.  Newly hemmed pants, starched, creased, and pressed.  Looking so sharp for a kid who hates to comb his hair and doesn’t care if his tshirt is wrinkled.  So much hope and promise in the eyes of our youth…our future.  

Then I remembered what day it was…

I watched my boy head off to school, knowing he was going to be home later than usual, due to his community service.  I’m always so proud of him, even though he drives me crazy (as teens are wont to do).  Yesterday’s “Day of Action” rallies in both Newark and Perth Amboy were rousing successes, and I was so excited for my (not so) little man to be a part of it.  He looked so serious holding his “Defend the D.R.E.A.M.” sign, while various and sundry community members voiced their support of “sanctuary schools”, and safe havens for all students, regardless of race, religion, sexuality, or creed.  

With the incoming governmental travesty occurring on this day, January 20th, 2017, I cannot help but be anxious…I cannot help but worry…I cannot feel safe in a country that values the rights of corporations and guns, over the rights of the people therein.  To see so many people oppressed, profiled, mocked and ridiculed for their beliefs…for the color of their skin.  What our president-elect does not understand is that which makes us different, makes us strong.  Diversity is power, and people are key.  We are stronger together.  

I will stand with you, brothers and sisters.  An injustice to one is an injustice to all, and I will happily fight at your side.  I will take your hand, and together we will weather not only this storm, and any storms that loom ominously on the horizon.  I will not stand idly by while people are harmed in the name of “new government”.  I will not be silent while injustice occurs.  I will never be still.  I will never allow hatred, racism, misogyny, or any other misdeed to become commonplace in my presence.  So long as I have breath in my body, I will lift you up.  We are one, and we aren’t going anywhere.

Unite.  

Fight.

Viva la Revolución!

Like a Shotgun

On a day not so long ago, something occurred that changed everything.  I’ve written a lot about events that have lead up to said change, so I need not rehash the past, only cast a little light on the future.

Feelings are strong, though hesitant.  Being nervous is part of moving outside of one’s comfort zone, (I understand the need to have both feet on the ground, considering).  I have begun again with a more realistic ideology, a renewed hope, and a more conventional approach…thus far it’s worked for me.

I have little to no idea what the future holds, but I trust in the universe to give me what I need, as well as what I deserve.  I’ve waded  through more than my fair share of garbage in the last year, and I’m happily building toward that cosmic reward.  I know what I want…I always have.  But I’m happy to patiently wait until it (hopefully) manifests itself in its own time.

Then one day, this song will play and the meaning will be clear…

Welcome back.

Fuego

Oh Boston, you did not disappoint.  Music and merriment, songs and sweat and surprises.  You were beautiful.  Your lights bright, and your high rises sky-worthy.  The chill in the air was no match for the warmth in my heart.

Adventure awaits if you’re ready.  Beyond the horizon the sun is rising.  Spontaneity is king…and even if I never see you again, for one brief shining moment we were one.  Thank you for your hospitality…it’s something I’ll never forget as long as I live.  

Goodbye To You

As 2016 comes to its painfully slow closure, I’d like to do a little bit of a retrospective on my life as I’ve known it the past year.  It’s been a long and arduous journey, but here I stand…still driven, and better than I’ve ever been.  

January 1st my husband left me.  This was the most wonderful thing that could’ve ever happened.  I was thrown from my world of passionless complacency and thrust into a life of unknown possibilities.  I wasn’t happy in my marriage, and I didn’t know it until I was free.  After being single for a year, I’m happy to report that I didn’t die of loneliness, and I am fully able to function independently of another human being.  Now that I’ve leveled the playing field, I’m able to contemplate a life with another person…but because I WANT TO, not because I can’t be alone.  

I’ve lost people this year.  Martin was especially difficult on me, though I proudly wear his art on my body forever.  I miss you, and I know wherever you are, you’re smiling down on me and probably schooling everyone in the afterlife on fine literature and philosophy.  I will never forget our discussions while he tattooed me, or how he always loved to tell me I was his favorite client.

Through intense self-reflection I grew as a person.  I was able to look forward through my general malaise and blaze a trail never before taken.  I’ve changed jobs…and states…and lifestyles.  This blog has helped immensely in my growth and aided in moving me toward normalcy.  I’ve been so proud that people have contacted me along the way, sharing how my blog helped them in their lives and during their darker moments.  Thats what it’s all about.  A constant work in progress.  Learning that I’m stronger than my adversity. That I’m better than my circumstances.  

I’ve loved and lost.

I’ve cried and raged.  

I’ve moved mountains and quieted my mind.  

I’ve come so far.

Now is when life starts to get good.  This moment is all we have, and to not make the most of every single one is a great disservice to ourselves.  Tell that person you’ve been harboring feelings for that you care.  Tell your family and friends how much you love and value them.  Hug often and laugh always.  Keep breathing.  Keep dreaming.  Keep loving. Keep living.  Keep moving forward.  Don’t waste a single minute on things that don’t matter.  Be you and be happy.

❤️

Hi-Ho Silver Lining 

Today’s been rather problematic for me emotionally.  Not sure what happened this morning, but I woke up exceedingly out of sorts…alternately sad and confused by said sadness.  I’m still unable to process the reason behind the obvious low point…it seems just beyond my grasp.  

Understandably, this time of year is difficult for those of us whose loved ones are thousand of miles away (California and Florida, respectively).  Plus not having my stuff has been a trying experience, to be sure.  Long work hours, and lack of social life round out my daily activities.  This move hasn’t been an easy one, but I’m hoping that it’ll be a rewarding one…considering all I’ve left behind.  

I see a lot of potential in my future.  Some things may be in the works, other things rapidly gaining velocity.  None of it is easy, but  it’s proving to be more than rewarding.  Though there might be hurdles, I’m willing to work through it all.  I’m never able to give less than 100%, and I’m ok with that.  I’ll risk it all for something great.

Being able to put words to “page” (as it were), has helped me breathe again.  Reframe and refocus.  Still not at full capacity, but gaining ground and purposefully moving forward…even if where I’m going is foreign. 

Stick with me, kids…on to adventure.  

❤️

Summerland 

I am officially a resident of New Jersey.  

I am officially on my own.

I jumped without a safety net, and I came out on the other side relatively unscathed.  

Admittedly, I have mixed emotions about the whole ordeal.  Though I desperately love my job, the people therein, and my new place of residence…I am lacking friends (the best ones in the world, might I add), and the support system I’ve come to know and love.  It’s difficult to start over.  It’s probably the hardest and most daunting thing I’ve ever undertaken on my own…but I’ve done it.  

Every day that goes by, I am amazed by the changes I’ve undergone in the last year.  I went from passive bystander in my own life, to active participant, and I couldn’t be more pleased.  The differences are noticed by me daily, and this Thanksgiving (aka The Day of Indigenous Subjugation), I can honestly say I’ve never been more thankful.  Every day, every moment, is full of hope and promise and I am proud of who I am, as well as proud of who I one day will be, (as I happily live a life of constant improvement).  

There are some people I would like to acknowledge as the holiday season rapidly approaches:

Mercedes:  I love how we are able to lift one another up and help each other stand tall throughout adversity.  You are amazing, and wonderful,  and you are hands down one of the best friends I’ve ever had.  Keep waterboarding men with their own tears.  ❤️

Casey:  Dude, I couldn’t have kept it together this year without you.  You’re a fucking rockstar and I love you like a sister.  Best come visit me soon, cause I’m already having withdrawals.  🤘🏻

Joe:  Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.  Thank you for being there.  Thank you for being you.  

Anastasia, Suzanne, Aileen & Rich:  I love you all.  Work besties 4 lyfe!

Squab🍕:  I love you all, and I miss you like crazy!  You guys are my first real group of friends, and I cherish you all like whoa.  I’m going to come visit soon, and we’re going to Datz, bishes!  #fusionfries

As for the holidays…I couldn’t be more excited!  The Christmas season is bright, beautiful, and screams new beginnings…the lights, music, movies, feelings, decor…it’s everything to me.  This will be my first holiday alone, and though there will be fewer presents under the tree, there is more peace in my heart…and nothing feels quite like it.  

Be safe, be happy, be thankful always…not just once a year.  Have a wonderful holiday weekend, kids!  I love you all!  ❤️❤️❤️

The Impression That I Get

Though time and space may separate us, you are always in my heart.  Once I asked for friendship, and somewhere deep down, I think I was denied.  I’ve stopped texting you…which is probably for the best, since effort is (supposed to be) a two way street.  It would be up to you to say hello now, and ask to maybe see me, like we’d planned.  I can’t do it all, though you have to know how badly I want to.  

Maybe I’ll see you December 30th.  Wouldn’t that be something?  You and me under the same roof, hearing the same music, breathing the same air.  Strange.  

So many things going on in my life right now.  Things one would share with a friend.  Someone who knew you better than anyone else.  A person who cares for you, and who you care for in return.  It would be so easy to talk to you, and maybe hear your voice.  It’s been forever.  You moved and promised to call me once you settled…I never expected a call, which is good, since I didn’t get one.

I know you don’t read this anymore.  I’m sure you stopped caring a long time ago.  But this is my blog, and these are my words…as painful as they often are.  I need to get it all out, so that someday it won’t feel so…I dunno…empty…without your friendship.  

Life is currently being lived, time is always passing…but I remain the same.  Stronger definitely, and terminally resilient…but even after all that I am unchanged intrinsically.  So just know that I think about you often…and I’m always wishing you well.  You know where I’ll be.  

❤️