Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked

I feel a constant pressure in my head, in my shoulders, and in my heart.  There’s been little to abate the problematic nature of all that is the year 2016.  Heartbreak is rampant, and life has broken down beyond recognition.  I have no one beside me, no one in front of me, and nothing currently ahead of me.  Every step is blind and every foothold tenuous in nature.  

I have loved, and I have lost.  I have dreamt, and I have hoped.  I have done more crying than any sane person should, and I’ve continued to wake up every morning regardless of my need to perish.  I have so much to give (and give I have), yet on two separate occasions I have been easily forgotten.  The first I too have forgotten, the second continues to haunt me, with no signs of letting up anywhere in sight.  

When bad things happen, when marriages crumble, when pain and anguish are your everyday mistresses, and the only common denominator is you…such things bear a closer look.  I’ve been told I was amazing…I am not.  I’ve been told I was beautiful…I am not.  I am nothing, and nothing I will remain until such time as I can gather up the strength to persevere.  Until then I am background noise.  I am the consummate work in progress.  

Emotionally I am broken.  Would that I were emotionally barren…bereft of the hurt that plagues me.  I cannot even breathe without thinking of a time not so long ago.  It gives me comfort.  It allows me a simple bit of solace in this cruel world.  Though I know I should not live within such a fantasy, the alternative is so very much worse.  Reality is a burden I no longer wish to participate in.  Give me dreams, or give me death. 

Yes, this is melodrama.  

Yes, this is indulgent.

No, I don’t care.  

Just let me breathe.

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