I swear, everyone is either getting engaged, getting married, or spawning minions. Every post on social media reminds me again and again how my son is almost fully grown and my marriages have fallen apart one by one throughout the years. There’s nothing more disheartening than hearing two of your beautiful friends talk about their weddings…the gowns, the pictures, the preservation, and the happiness associated with the blessed event(s)…when you know that you’ll probably never have that again. No amount of hope can trump life’s harsh reality. The day after my first husband left, I had to go to my sister’s bridal shower…it kinda feels like that.
With that being said…I love engagements (even though I’ve never been proposed to…text messages and “hey, do you wanna?” don’t count…I’m sorry), weddings and babies and all of that gushy romantic nonsense. It’s like that girly switch (you know, the one I’m not always proud of) flips into the on position and I’m rendered powerless. I promise, I’m only gonna watch “An Affair to Remember” one more time…just one more time. They say that those who can, do…and those who can’t, write blogs.
I want people to be in love, happy, starting families, having anniversaries, and living in the heart of contentment. I adore it when the people I care about are blissfully happy…but it doesn’t lessen the fact that I’m not. it doesn’t change the fact I feel out of place and out of control in my own life. I’ve never asked for much…all I want is to do my parental best, have a job I can believe in, and find a man who completes me…throw in laughter, music and beer and I hear nothing but the Hallelujah Chorus playing in my head. It’s so simple…why does it have to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done?
When is it my turn?