Silent Lucidity

I wake up to silence.

I fall asleep to silence.

Silence is my daily reminder that you’re gone.

Silence is the loudest sound you’ll ever encounter.

It’s so strange…I used to talk to people all day long.  Friends, strangers, any and everyone who messaged me.  Sometimes they’d flirt, sometimes they’d get creepy and I’d have to block them…it happens.  It’s all part of the game.  Before him there were guys that I talked to, flirted with…nothing crazy.  Then he came along and everyone else faded away.  I deleted superfluous numbers and stopped taking messages on social media from people I didn’t know…and I was happy to do so.  Recently I put a notice on my Instagram profile that states “No DMs, please and thank you”.  I can’t do it anymore.  I no longer encourage that kind of communication.  Thanks kids, but this heart is otherwise engaged.  Move along.

But now things are as quiet as can be…and the conspicuous silence is deafening to someone who got used to being wanted.  Being satisfied and happy and excited about life are incredibly difficult things to get over.  Being lonely is a lousy follow up to such beautiful feelings.  But lonely I am…and lonely I will continue to be.  Sometimes I wish I could be flaky with my heart, give it away at will and never feel an ounce of pain when the person eventually leaves me…as they all seem to do.  But I don’t have that ability.  I’m not a love-em-and-leave-em kinda girl.  I’m the stay true kinda girl.  I’m the loyal girl.  I’m the girl that wants to make your dreams come true.  I’m the girl you left behind.

Why must there be silence?  Regardless of anything else, I know I made you happy.  We laughed constantly, and we smiled as we built this foundation…and I know you miss that too.  Something even tells me that you liked the package I sent…though I don’t know that you’d ever say so.  There’s so much there…so much that remains unsaid.  So much potential as of yet untapped.  This is why I hope.  This is where my strength comes from.

I tend to bury these entries…I don’t allow them to post on social media…I don’t let anyone promote them.  This isn’t me baring my soul to the masses…this is my quiet pain…my daily hurt…my lifelong love.

 

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