Fake It Till You Make It

I left the house today.

My son and I went to a nice little makers market and then had some lunch.  This might not seem like much to you, dear reader, but it was everything to me.  I could’ve stayed in bed and done nothing but think about how bad my heart hurts, and how much I miss him…but I didn’t.  I forced myself up and out, and though it’s painful, I will continue to do so.  

I have no plan.  I have no direction.  Just get up and live…as much as I can while rocking this broken little heart of mine.  I’m still reminding myself to breathe.  Smiles are remaining few and far between.  This is the curse of the girl who feels too much…who loves too hard.

I couldn’t do it without my son.  He’s the only thing keeping me from a full-fledged breakdown.  He watches movies with me, and listens to me cry, and I do the same for him…it’s been a rough year for both of us.  Sometimes it feels like we’re perpetually treading water…keeping our heads just above the coming waves.  I don’t see this abating anytime soon.

My phone remains silent.  No calls, no texts.  Just a lonely girl in a lonely world.  I went from 5500 text messages in June, to around 500 this last billing cycle.  I don’t even want to talk about the change in actual calls…I’m left with nothing but the silence and my own damning thoughts.  I hate being this alone.  It makes everything so much worse.

This isn’t a great time in my life, but I’m getting by.  Hope pulls me through.  I’m forced to believe that this can’t be the real and true end.  How can you stifle something that never got a chance to bloom?  Something so pure and beautiful…something real.  That would be doing the greatest disservice to both he and I, and I choose not to believe it.  Life would never be so cruel.  

So, to sum things up…I’m alive.  I’m breathing.  Occasionally eating.  Getting by.

Just getting by.

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