The Wisdom of Chuck Palahniuk

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”   ― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

This quote makes all of the sleepless nights, all of the missed meals, all of the tears, the inconceivable amount of pain make more sense than anything I could’ve written.  I had it all…for one singular moment in time I had everything…and in an instant it was taken away from me.  It’s like a death, but the only person that’s dying is me.

“Just for the record, the weather today is increasing turmoil with a possible physical and emotional breakdown.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

When a man says goodbye, he just leaves.  He probably doesn’t think about me…doesn’t miss me…doesn’t wonder how I’m doing…doesn’t feel the need to check on me…doesn’t follow me on social media, doesn’t read my blog anymore…just…nothing.  The other person becomes nothing to them.  Out of sight out of mind.  When a woman says goodbye for now, she aches, she cries, she wonders, she questions, she makes up “what if” scenarios, she hopes and dreams of someday (I know I don’t speak for all men or all women, but this is what happens to me, in my estimation).  She’s a wreck, while he’s probably fine…not giving her another thought.  So not only is she totally alone in life, she’s alone in her pain.

“The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

I’ve never wanted someone first.  Not really.  Every man I’ve ever been with has been someone who found me, fell for me, and I went along with it.  I’ve never actively pursued someone I wanted.  Relationships always just fell into my lap, and eventually I was able to fall into step with whomever it was that chose me.  Not that this has ever been a problem…but it makes leaving and being left a helluva lot easier.  I never felt like they were going to be the “be all and end all of my existence”.  But this guy…this guy was it.

“You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

I have these beautiful memories…these perfect snippets forever frozen in time.   Part of me wishes that I could share that beauty with you, so you’d fully understand my devastation…but that’s never going to happen…so I hope you’re ok with broad and general statements based on past conversations.  He told me he wanted to marry me…he said he loved me one hundred times a day and I adored it…he said I was the love of his life…and he always said forever.  He would tell me I was gorgeous…all of me.  He said he loved my heart, and how good a parent I was.  We lifted one another up on the daily, and I will never ever forget the way he made me feel.  I was excited to wake up every morning and begin my day texting and talking to him.  I was excited going to bed, knowing that the next day I got to do it all over again.  Life was almost perfect (100% perfect would’ve been having him here with me as well).  But I could’ve lived in that world for as long as I had to…I was truly fulfilled.

“You can only hold a smile for so long, after that it’s just teeth.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

I am not ok.  When people ask how I’m doing, I try to be honest without revealing anything pertinent.  I’ve never been good at asking for help.  When I hurt I tend to become a recluse, and I spend my days at work, and my evenings and weekends hiding and crying.  I have so many great friends, but reaching out is beyond my capabilities right now.  But when asked outright, I will spill my guts and probably my tears.  My smile no longer reaches my eyes.  I’ve had so many people tell me that recently.  I suppose that’s what happens when your light goes out.  When you lose your sparkle.

“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.”  ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

I’ve learned a lot about myself from all of this.  I’ve learned that to live you must be open to the possibility that magic exists.  Believe in yourself, and stay true to your ideology.  Recently I made some promises to myself…I’ve vowed to wait for someone who might very well never come back to me.  I’m proud of my loyalty and I feel confident that this is the best option for me.  I need to take some time to heal, and to find my own happiness.  I’m going into this with nothing but blind hope and the knowledge that I’m ok by myself.

“Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be. Every time you don’t throw yourself down the stairs, that’s a choice. Every time you don’t crash your car, you re-enlist.”  ― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

I talk so often in my blogs about breathing.  Remember to breathe in and out.  Just keep breathing.  I was watching “Sleepless In Seattle” the other day, (because I’m a girl with a broken heart)…and I heard this line between Sam (a man who had recently lost his wife, and a radio talk show host):

Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?
Sam Baldwin: Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out… and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

“In a world where vows are worthless. Where making a pledge means nothing. Where promises are made to be broken, it would be nice to see words come back into power.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Lullaby

This is my strength and words are my power.  This is my bond with the world…and this will be my promise and my pledge.  I do not pretend to be any more than what I am.  I am always honest with myself and with those around me…just as I am beyond honest with you, dear reader.  With this blog I am able to purge my soul and my spirit and come out on the other side stronger than anyone ever thought possible.  This is my outlet for talking through my pain, my sorrow, and it’s also my road to redemption.

“Think of a rock polisher, one of those drums, goes round and round, rolls twenty-four/seven, full of water and rocks and gravel. Grinding it all up. Round and round. Polishing those ugly rocks into gemstones. That’s the earth. Why it goes around. We’re the rocks. And what happens to us—the drama and pain and joy and war and sickness and victory and abuse—why, that’s just the water and sand to
erode us. Grind us down. To polish us up, nice and bright.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted

We are the sum of our experiences.  Every emotion, every experience, every pain, every step, every betrayal, every smile, every tear, every laugh, every song…these are the things that shape us…these are the things that create and maintain and perpetually test our character.  Though I might not sparkle now, with time and polish, I can perhaps again be who I once was…maybe even better.

“No, it’s not fair, but what makes earth feel like Hell is our expectation that it should feel like Heaven.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Damned

“Maybe you don’t go to hell for the things you do. Maybe you go to hell for the things you don’t do. The things you don’t finish.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Lullaby

“If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

“When you understand, that what you’re telling is just a story. It isn’t happening anymore. When you realize the story you’re telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we’ll figure out who you’re going to be.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

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