I’m a mess.
Can’t eat, can’t sleep. Crying is my current pastime.
Why does life have to be so hard?
I feel like I can’t cope anymore. Any and all coping mechanisms have escaped me. I’m left to my own devices and I’m slowly unraveling. This is something I never thought I’d have to deal with, because I never believed in soul mates. I never believed in the “two halves of the same whole” adage. I never believed you existed. And yet, there you were.
This is a nightmare. A waking nightmare. I don’t even want to live on this planet anymore, knowing that I’ll be on it without you. We had so many plans…you were going to come to my company Christmas party with me…to my friend’s wedding next year. We were going to go to shows…MMB’s in Boston for Christmas…we had plans. You and me. Together.
I have never hurt like I do right now. Everything is gone. My heart is gone. Life as I was getting to know it is gone. You’re gone. Nothing is real. I don’t believe in anything anymore…it’s all too much to handle.
I don’t know what to do from here…I go to work…pretend to be normal…go home and cry…
You didn’t tell anyone about us…not really…so you’re able to go on like nothing ever happened. Because maybe for you nothing really did. But I talked about you…you were real in my world, and now I have to relive the pain over and over again as good friends want to know why I look like I’m about to cry. I have to share with them why my world is falling apart.
I feel like I can’t breathe without you. Part of me doesn’t even want to.
I’m on the verge of a real breakdown. I’m long overdue.