I feel like I’m losing my mind.  

All I want to do is talk to you about it, but I know I can’t.  I feel so close to a panic attack I almost can’t take it, and my only recourse is to write and write and write some more.  

I’ve felt sick since we hung up.  The idea of living my life without you breaks my heart absolutely, and I don’t know how to healthily process any of this…mostly because I don’t fucking understand.  

You said you loved me and I know you meant it.  You said things to me that I cannot unhear.  Beautiful promises and words unlike any I’ve ever heard from another.  I felt things that no person can feel on their own…it takes two.  We connected so deeply it was almost painful to not communicate…heartbreaking to have to go to sleep.  

I don’t understand.

I know there are things you have to work out, and maybe you’re not in a position to get involved right now.  But I feel like you’ve denied all of the truth in our words, the honesty in our feelings for one another.  Chock it up to a broken man, and call it a day.  Leave a girl that has done nothing but be faithful, and understanding, and in love with you in your wake.

This is all so unfair.

I don’t even get a say in the decision to terminate this relationship.  I can’t be in charge.  I’m not allowed to have what I want most.  What you at one time wanted also.  I just have to sit here, in immense pain, and take it. I have no choice.  I love you.  To my very core I love you.  But I have no control.  

I feel like my heart is no longer my own.  I don’t even want it back.  I just want you to hold onto it, in the hopes that one day you’ll be ready.  I would wait a lifetime.  Maybe I’ll have to, maybe I won’t.  I don’t know what the future holds.  Now that you’re free of me you probably won’t even read this.  You’re no longer tethered to me by heartstrings.  I can’t make you see me.  I can’t make you love me.

I just want to die.


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