Spaceman Blues

**Edit 7/19/16: After speaking with a good friend of mine, I’ve come to the conclusion that only once we purge the “crazy” (as we’re so fond of putting it), can we truly begin to process the situation and move forward accordingly.** 

I’m not sure that I’ve ever felt sadder, or more alone than I do right now.

Let me preface this exceedingly unhappy post by saying that I believe in love…in fairytales…in fate.  There are times throughout history that two people are able to come together under what would otherwise be problematic circumstances, and become something of an epic love story.  Often these two are never ready and one or more are a bit more broken than they care to admit.  But together these individuals are able to build together a lifetime of love, happiness, and laughter with the person who completes them.

So what happens if you never get to happily ever after?  What if you’ve been given a taste of everything only have it…placed on hold?  What if space is forever?  What if the words were never real?

**************

It’s 5:30AM and all is not well.  I tossed and turned, dreamt of sadness and loss, and woke up knowing that there would be no “Good Morning” to greet me…just as there had been no “Goodnight” to send me off to slumber.  You’ve been my good morning and goodnight for so long I almost don’t know how to proceed with my day.  I hate having to pretend like I’m ok…like this doesn’t feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and set ablaze.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I understand the reasoning behind it…well, to an extent.  I’m the kind of person that likes to find a solution to the problem at hand.  I’m a fixer.  I want to analyze it and talk it out and get past it together.  He has asked for some time to work things out.  I respect his wishes.  But I’m worried there can be only one solution for this course of action…and that thought scares me.  Honestly, I don’t know that I’ve ever been so afraid.

So, how should I proceed?  Do I harden my heart?  Do I accept defeat?

Is there a chance?  Do I dare hope?

I once likened this to a RomCom…all RomCom’s go through their rough patches, right? Does that mean I can expect some kind of grand gesture if things are truly to be?  Will I get a text from out of the blue saying something like “I’m at the airport.”?

But for now…we wait.

I have to have faith that he’ll make the right decision…whatever that is.

I have to believe that he knows what he’s doing.

I have to believe that he’ll come back to me.

Try to hope.  Try to believe.

 

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